Once Sam and I were back in LA I decided that if I didn’t tell anyone about my “incident” then it didn’t really happen. Yep, that theory seemed rational to me. So, I told no one. It didn’t even occur to me, at the time; that maybe stuffing things down and not talking about them was how I got to this point in the first place. I went about my business, and when anyone asked me how the trip was, I only discussed how much fun we had and how beautiful it was. It was true; we had an unbelievable amount of fun and details of the trip were not anyone else’s business. Let’s just say my next therapy appointment couldn’t come soon enough. I hadn’t seen Sabrina in several weeks, and I had become paranoid I would have another outburst. You know one of those funny incidents that take place in a romcom; suddenly the woman, usually played by Katherine Hiegl or Jennifer Anniston, are in line at Starbucks and the next thing you know she screaming at a 17 year old barista because he asks her to repeat her order. She starts blubbering on and on about how no one listens to her! Yes, I was afraid that was going to be me.
The next day as I sat in front of my therapist she started with her usual question, “so, how have you been?” I immediately started in with what had happened, “well, I had an incident… I went crazy.” As I went on to tell her the story her facial expression changed appropriately with the drama. I told her about all of the sweet surprises and how he spoiled me. How we talked and laughed and then when I got to the part about me screaming at Sam, she went into her ‘straight non-judgment’ face. I finished the story and waited for a reaction. “I am a bit surprised this has not happened before now,” she said. What? She knew this was going to happen and hadn’t told me? I could have prepared; I could have warned people, I could have not left my house- I thought to myself. “Wait, what do you mean you are surprised this hasn’t happened before now?” I asked. She continued, “Yes. Keylee, you have been through a very traumatic event with a man who had promised you loyalty until death do you part. You cannot expect just to go on with your life like nothing has happened without properly dealing with it.” I hated when she used my name; it wasn’t like when Jaxton used it (which he did all the time and I loved), no when she used it, I felt like I was in trouble.
In other words, my therapist was telling me; shit had hit the fan. My inner psyche was coming out whether I wanted her to or not. I suddenly had two questions, “when will she come out again?” and “how do I keep her quite?” Sabrina looked at me with a slight smile and said, “I wish it were that easy.” After we walked through every detail of the trip and what led up to this outburst I discovered that sadly I was right. The cause was a combination of things but mostly it was the fact that I was married to a man with a double life. I had a unique situation, and it wasn’t as simple as a divorce or a breakup, it was so much more, so much deeper. Not that breakups or divorce is ever simple, but I was learning this was a special case! It was one of those situations that I knew the reality of, but I didn’t really “know” the reality. Some days I am still not sure I know! Ugh, was all I could think. I can’t believe I had to deal with this sadistic man in my life, and now I have to deal with the fall out on my own mental state- NOT FAIR!
The next day Sam called to find out if I had dinner plans. I was shocked he even called. I don’t think I would have called me after such an un-rational outburst. Since I did not have any plans other than laundry I agreed to dinner, he said to meet him at the Mondrian Hotel for dinner. Once I was back from my trip, I dived into work and hadn’t seen Sam since the car dropped me at home from the airport. I was excited that he called, and I was looking forward to spending time together on dry land. I had known him for ten years, we had a blast together, he spoiled me rotten, and we liked all of the same things AND he still wants to see me after my emotional outburst…. I wanted to see if this could go somewhere!
As I was sitting on Sunset Blvd at a stoplight, I got a text from Sam, seeing his name on my phone made my heart sink. Was he canceling? I had the thought then banished it out of my head, why was I so negative? I had been trained not to believe people would follow through but, I had no reason to think that about Sam- I refused to project my shit on him. I decided to solve this mental dilemma and just read the freaking text, “we are eating dinner upstairs, give the desk your name when you arrive.” I don’t remember that hotel having a restaurant upstairs, thought to myself. I left my car with the valet and walked to the concierge desk I gave my name, and Sam’s name and the gentleman behind the desk handed me a room key. I was puzzled but per my usual pattern of behavior, I just went with it. As I arrived at the top floor and knocked on the door, Sam answered and promptly gave me a kiss as he held his iPhone away from his face. While he finished up his call I walked around the room, he had booked a beautiful penthouse for us to have “dinner.”
Looking out over the lights of LA while we finished a bottle of wine, and our delicious dinner Sam began to discuss his upcoming travel plans. He had work coming up but also wanted to travel for fun; New York, twice next month, Miami, Chicago, possibly Europe. Everything he spoke about was grand in scale and full of adventure. It is no secret that I am a girl that loves grand things and adores adventures. When I suggested that our next date be a night in at his house where we could cook dinner and open a great bottle of wine, he was a bit surprised and not very into the idea. I wanted to see him in a real setting, talk about real things; current events, work, friends, etc. Being with Sam was one of those experiences that made you feel like were on a roller coaster. It was exciting, thrilling, and made your stomach flip, but you never knew when it would come to a screeching halt. No Ferris wheel, no carousel, no kiddie rides, just a great big crazy roller coaster- he was all about the wow factor. Don’t get me wrong, I love the roller coaster- I had lived on a roller coaster for the past six years and in a lot of ways the ride seemed totally normal to me. Life was all about the ups, downs, and the thrilling moments- sadly the part I most familiar with was when the ride flew completely off the rails and crashed. When Sam couldn’t agree to a “regular date” or quite night at home…. I got the distinct feeling that is where this was heading; off the rails. How could any relationship sustain this?
The next morning I woke up next to Sam and it was nice. As we waited for breakfast I jumped in the shower and tried to make it appear that I was not that girl who was walking out of a hotel at 8 am in the same clothes she wore the night before. Sam and I had a lovely, yet brief, morning, said our goodbyes, and set out to begin our days. I ran home to change clothes before heading to the office; we were casual but showing up in clothing from the night before was pushing the limits, even for me.
Sinlge & Stylish,
You don’t always know when you are going to spend the night away from home, but you can always be, at least, a little prepared!
*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.
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