Home, But Feeling Alone.

December 20, 2012- Journal Entry

I am on the airplane home to Kansas. LAX is filled with happy children, families and couples rushing home for the holidays to greet their families and celebrate the season. It is also filled with a lot of grumpy travelers and screaming children, but I am trying to see the good in things lately. As happy as I am to see my family I am counting the days till I am back on a plane and heading to LA.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with my family; I adored them and still do. My sister, father, mother, and brother-in-law were my rocks. I just didn’t want to celebrate a holiday alone. Being single is hard, being single for the first time at the holidays is torture. All of the children opening gifts, reminding me of the children I don’t have and the questions from people I only see once a year. The only bright spot was that my seven-year old niece asked to sleep with me on Christmas Eve, I love Christmas Eve, and I really didn’t want to sleep alone. We cuddled in bed and talked about Santa; it might have been my favorite moment in months! I didn’t want to spend the holiday with my x husband, but I also didn’t to be alone. I know I wasn’t literally alone I was surrounded by people who love me, but in my head, I was alone. This is not how Christmas 2012 was supposed to be!

Mimosas and pancakes were a tradition for my x husband and I, for some reason I decided to keep it alive. I think it was mostly the fact that I would use any excuse to drink during the day. On Christmas morning, my mother, father and I woke up some ungodly hour, like 5am, we would get in the car and drive to my sister’s house to open gifts. I brushed my teeth, pulled on my Uggs, grabbed my coat, a bottle of champagne and laid down in the back seat. Though it was only 100 yds across the driveway to my sisters, I didn’t have it in me to be jolly.

As gifts were passed out by my beautiful nieces, I noticed a few that I didn’t recognize. As I looked at the tags, one was from my husband. Ugh, really? After everything, he sent me a Christmas gift? I tried to pretend the gift wasn’t in my stack and then in some moments I pretended it was from someone else. I decided I would open his gift last. The real distraction was a mystery gift; it was from a handsome guy I went to college with, Peter. I met Peter through my first husband when we were in college. He and I were Facebook friends and had seen a post I made on about something I loved. I unwrapped Peters gift first; I couldn’t imagine what it was. As I unwrapped the package, I could see it was this incredible fashion book I had posted about, I couldn’t believe it was under the tree. I hadn’t seen Peter in years, and though we talked over Facebook now and then I was really surprised. It was a very sweet gesture from an old friend.

After I opened every other gift in my pile, and I had one left, the one from my x. I sat there and starred at the gift. In my family we go around in a circle, everyone opening each gift one by one. I made everyone skip me for several turns. Finally, I didn’t have a choice but to open it. An ornament, big blown glass ball with a note that I didn’t care to read, and a camera. A camera? It was a very nice camera, in my favorite color red, but it was just odd. Whatever.

After we opened gifts in true Sanders tradition, my sister fixed a big breakfast of pancakes, hash browns (the best you will ever have), bacon, eggs, French toast; just about anything you could want. I had a piece of bacon and opened my bottle of champagne. What I really wanted to do was crawl into bed.

This year was going to be special; we had spent last Christmas with his family because it was so soon after our wedding. This year I was going to wake up Christmas morning with my husband at my parent’s house and have a really full family Christmas. It was important to me that we would be with my family, and they would finally know that this man was serious about me and our future. Instead of the happy holiday I had always pictured; I was sad. Yes, I was with my family, and it was great, but it wasn’t what I bargained for or what I had dreamed about. I was alone, and it hurt. My whole body hurt. My head hurt; my muscles hurt, my heart hurt.

Later in the day my sister’s in-laws and family came over, I lasted about 20 minutes. I soon told everyone I was going to run over to my mom and dad’s to get something. What I was “getting”, was into my pajamas and then under my covers? I slept most of the day.

The funny part was it wasn’t like this was my first Christmas alone in the past few years. My husband had left me alone for Christmas, along with various other holidays, on and off during our entire relationship. Yes, I know that is one of those statements that makes everyone say, “how did you not know something was going on?” Trust me, I have asked myself this questions more times than I can count
But, this holiday was different… We were supposed to be together; we had plans. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt such sadness. When was this roller coaster going to stop? It felt like this would be the only feeling I would ever have.

Single & Stylish,
xx Keylee

I can’t believe that I am posting this and I don’t in any way endorse someone wearing them like regular shoes but every once in awhile nothing feels better on your feet than Ugg’s! When I went to link this post to the page I couldn’t believe all the cool styles they now make! Here are some acceptable styles!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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