The Last Time I Was Happy.

Sam and I were having an amazing time together, but as the fun times increased so did my insecurities. My insecurities and the questions, my head was about to explode with questions. Over the next couple of days, Sam and I had dinner with friends, a romantic night out at my favorite restaurant in town, and he even convinced me to ski again the next day. Considering I usually only skied tone two days all year, this was a huge accomplishment.

After our second day of skiing, we were sitting at the bottom of the mountain having a lovely bottle of rose and Sam got up to make a phone call. As he walked away, I was letting the sunshine beam on my face but as I watched him pace with the phone to his ear, my mind started wondering and the questions started flooding in. Does he like me? Does he want a girlfriend? Do I want a boyfriend? Do I want to be with one person? In the end, the two biggest questions were this, “Do I want to date Sam? Will I ever be a priority to him?” In my heart, I knew the answers. I loved the “idea” of him and no, I would not be his priority- ever.

When it came to Sam, I had to stop and realize that I was having moments of happiness, and that was great progress for me! No matter what my feelings were, up or down I felt lucky just to be having feelings! So I told myself to stop with the questions and just go with it.

After Sam had flown back to LA, the questions in my head and insecurities got worse, and I spiraled into a bad place. Ted, my pseudo brother, and I were sitting at the bar one night and as we started talking the conversation turned to my ex. They had been friends and, to be honest; I was asking a few too many questions. The type of questions, I didn’t really want to know the answers to but after two martinis, I asked anyways. I asked if my x was dating and Ted was honest, as he always was and said yes. A few moments later I couldn’t hold it back, I could feel my eyes getting hot. Ted got up use the restroom, and I dashed out of the bar, I didn’t’ want anyone to see me cry. So I, of course, did the rational drunk girl thing and decided to walk home. I walked home in the dark in the winter in the snow which I now admit was not very smart. It was only 10 or so blocks away, but I fell twice, in my full-length fur coat, which only made me want to cry more. It was not my finest moment.

I laid in bed thinking about how my x was out in the world dating and living his life and though my life appeared to be in a good place, I was riddled with insecurities. Part of me was thrilled he had moved on, and his focus was no longer on me, yet somehow I didn’t think he deserved to be dating. In what dimension was it fair that he was dating and happy, and I was still trying to find my way? As I laid in bed and looked at the ceiling, I thought about him being happy, this made me angry. All I could think about was that I wanted to be happy so bad, and somehow I couldn’t figure out how to get there. He on the other hand had moved on, most likely lying to another woman, but I assumed it made him happy. I asked myself, when was the last time I was honestly happy? Sure I had had moments of happiness over the past year but had I been truly happy over an extended period? Not really.

The answer didn’t come as easy as I would have liked and I didn’t know if it was truly the last time I was happy but my trip to New York in February of 2011 popped into my head. There is something magical about New York City in the snow, especially when you live in Los Angeles. I had flown in on Monday for a few work meetings and to spend time with friends. My x would be arriving later in the week for events surrounding the opening of his East Coast office. All of my meetings in the days leading up to his arrival had gone flawlessly; I was on a huge high and very optimistic about my career. His work events were of huge importance, so I made sure all of my work and other commitments were finished prior to his arrival, I wanted to be totally available for him.

Friday night was the opening party at the The Campbell Apartment. Not only was I excited for the event but I was, of course, excited about my look. I planned to wear my chocolate leather dress; it was a top five favorite of mine.

The whole evening was perfect. We laughed and flirted in between him working the room and introducing me to more people than I could ever remember. He was king of the night, and I was thrilled to be on his arm. Afterward, we went to dinner with everyone from the home office and long after the clock struck midnight we decided to head back to the hotel. My feet were exhausted and when he was ready to call it a night I realized that I couldn’t wait to get back to our room snuggle with my man. It had been a really happy trip on all fronts.

That night before we turned in he mentioned that if I wanted to ditch my commercial flight I could join the others and fly home on one of the company planes. I jumped at the opportunity to leave earlier and fly back private. As I got ready for bed I smiled to myself thinking about how lucky I was to have such a wonderful guy, he was so thoughtful! I went to sleep that night just beaming.

I would later learn that he put me on that morning flight because Katy was flying to New York that afternoon. I know this because she posted photos of them on a carriage ride in Central Park. When I found the photos on her Facebook page, a year later, it was stamped with the date, the same date I left New York. When I confronted him with this photo he said she showed up unexpectedly, but he had asked her to leave. This made me laugh, did he ask her to leave in a horse carriage? By the giant smile on both of their faces in the photo, it sure as hell didn’t look like she was leaving.

Then and there, as I laid in bed a year later, I decided to make every effort to be happy. When I returned to LA, from Aspen, I still held a small bit of hope that Sam and I would date. He didn’t call and after day two of him knowing I was home and not calling I assumed he wasn’t interested, so I deleted his number from my phone. I didn’t want to be tempted to text him or call him. Three days later he called, and since he wasn’t listed in my phone I didn’t recognize the number and answered the phone. Had I known it was him, I would have screened and let it go to voicemail.

He seemed a bit offended when I asked who it was; that made me feel a little bit better. He made mostly small talk except to tell me he was in the airport and thinking of me. I was so over it at this point. It was just additional proof to me that everything was all about him. I was so sick of this type of selfish man, but the real question as, why did I keep dating them?

Single & Stylish

xx Keylee

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Did He Just Invite Himself?

I held off writing Sam back until the morning after we landed in LA.

“I am good, just got back from Paris. How are you?”

After I had slept in to combat my jetlag, I got up to unpack and run some errands. My apartment desperately needed fresh flowers and food!

The next day a package arrived at the office, I had no idea what I had ordered but I was happy to open it! As I opened the box I could tell, it wasn’t something I ordered, but something sent to me- a gift. It was from Peter, an early Valentines Day gift. The card was sweet, and when I open the box my mouth dropped to the floor. He had seen on my blog a handbag I had posted, the “it” bag of the moment, the Rag & Bone pilot bag. This amazing, beautiful bag was mine? Later that day a dozen heart and love themed decorated cupcakes arrived at the office as well.

I immediately called Peter, “Wow, thank you, but it is too much!” I said, of course, thinking how perfect it was! He was kind, sweet and very excited I liked the bag.

An hour later I get a text from Sam, “Are you still going to Aspen for Presidents Day weekend? I think I will come too!” Wait, what? I thought. Why would he come to Aspen on that weekend? How did he even remember I was going?

“Who are you coming with?” I asked. “No one, I figure we could hang out… I miss you.” Awe, I wanted to believe that he missed me, what a romantic gesture. We would have so much fun in the mountains playing in the snow! He was full of bullshit, but at that moment I ate it right up!

The next day Jaxton called to ask me out for Valentines Day. WTF was going on, was mercury in retrograde? It was like the ghost of boyfriends past were all coming back to haunt me! Sadly I would be in Aspen on Valentines Day, and now it looked like I would most likely be spending it with Sam and my friends. Jaxton rarely called me, and he never had asked me out for Valentines Day, I was sad I wouldn’t be home to see him.

My thoughts quickly turned to the fact that I hadn’t seen Sam in a few months and after eating my way through Paris I had one week to get my body back…. Totally doable- right? That night after work, I went to the gym before meeting a girlfriend out for sushi. After my workout I was feeling awesome; I had really sweated it out. I grabbed a towel and jumped in the shower.

Now a women’s locker room is always an interesting place and a women’s locker room in an LA posh gym is even more interesting! Some women have no shame and choose to walk around totally naked. Some pose in the mirror with no tops on and pretend to be fixing their hair, some try and cover their bodies with as many towels as possible. Then course there is Janice Dickenson shaving her lady bits by the sinks. Not kidding at all, it is an image I will never get out of my head.

I am somewhere in between. I have always loved my body, ok not always, but big or small it was mine and once I was in my thirties I decided I should be nice to her. I get out of the shower and squeeze my hair out. I would usually put on my underwear and walk to get some body lotion, but in my jetlag haze I didn’t bring a fresh pair. No biggie I thought, I will just go commando to dinner. Just as I rounded the corner of the lockers to get some body lotion, I see her. My one “would, coulda, shoulda” guys’ new fitness model child bride. I was stark naked, with extra of me around the middle, and she was a twenty-something fitness model who was dressed in a very chic outfit applying lip-gloss and adjusting her perfectly messy bun in the mirror. They lived in Chicago, why was she even in my locker room??? She had never been a big fan of mine, though I had only met her once or twice, and after a sly smile she turned on her heels and walked out, looking over her shoulder at me as she rounded the corner. I wanted to cry, but instead I just started hysterically laughing. I am sure everyone else in the locker room was convinced I was sharing pills with Janice Dickenson and had lost it, but at that moment if I didn’t laugh I would have cried and I had made vow to myself to not cry at the gym anymore.

She was married to my college love, Mark. He was my “one that got away,” even though I broke it off with him. I try not to have regrets in my life but if I had one, breaking up with him was it.

As I packed for Aspen, I felt myself getting excited and nervous that I would see Sam. I had not introduced a guy to my friends since I had left my marriage. In Aspen, I wouldn’t’ be able to avoid it. I packed the usual amounts of jeans, boots, cashmere, fur and a few things just in case I decided to ski. I also slipped in a few sexier pieces just in case I needed them.

I landed on a Wednesday, and Sam wouldn’t arrive until Friday afternoon, so it was the perfect time for me to settle in and see friends. After a boozy rosé lunch one afternoon the girls decided to go shopping. The new Rag & Bone store had opened and I just happened to stumble wonder in. After a few moments of wondering around I laid my eyes on the most perfect pair of leather pants I had ever seen. As I slipped them on I knew, I was in heaven. They fit like a glove, and my ass looked amazing! I had to have them. One issue; the price. I wasn’t really in a position to pay that much for a pair of pants; it was a half of my monthly rent! After a few moments, I had rationalized myself into the pants.

The next day Sam arrived into town and text me the moment he landed.

“I am here, what’s the plan?” He text.

“I will be at après later, meet me there?” I text. I didn’t want to seem too anxious.

I arrived at après the appropriate amount of late and walked in with a group of friends. I was a bit nervous to see him, and it bugged me. My friends and I went to the bar, I spotted him as moved across the room but didn’t didn’t let him know. He moved toward me at the bar and smiled. Once I saw him, I couldn’t help but show my excitement.

After several rounds of drinks, we decided to clean up and go for sushi. Couple friends of mine were game, and I was excited for Sam to know them. I rushed home, showered and threw on my sexy Wolford tights with my favorite long sleeve ALC dress and headed to dinner. I was determined not to be an easy get that night, but it didn’t hurt to make him want it.

Dinner was amazing, Sam ordered a fabulously expensive sake. We ate sushi till we were going to burst, danced at a club, at the end of the night I said goodbye and went home.

Sam wanted to ski the next day and even though I was totally inept I said yes because I had an invite for lunch at the top of the mountain and could bring a guest. After lunch, I told Sam I would meet him at the bottom. He was a much better skier than I, and it made me even more nervous to have someone watch me while I took my time. By the end of the day, we were skiing together more, and it was perfect. After the we skied down during the last run of the day we went straight to après and had a drink! We had dinner plans that night as well so again; I went back to the house I was staying at; showered and changed. Only this time I decided to give my new leather pants a run. We were invited to a big group dinner, and though I was nervous about taking Sam, it was fun! He was interesting, funny, the right amount of attentive and made everyone at the table adore him. I am sure I was beaming. Soon after my 100th glass of wine, not a real number.. I am just estimating. We decided again went dancing and then decided to have one more drink….at his hotel. Needless to say I got to experience three-move man again and the next morning my walk of shame home in a full-length mink coat was not my proudest moment. I left his hotel early in the hopes to not run into anyone I knew. When I arrived at the home, my plan was to sneak in and get a few more hours of sleep. As I sat in the mudroom taking off my shoes and coat, my friend Ted walked up the stairs. Ted was a very close friend, almost like a brother.

“Where are you going this early?” He asked.

Before I could even make up a good excuse, a huge smile came over his face as he looked at me from head to toe (realizing I was wearing the same thing as last night).

“What?!?” I said defensively. Which only made me blush and look super guilty.

“Are you just coming in?” He said with a huge grin.

I removed my shoes, looked at him with a slight smile and said, “wouldn’t you like to know?” I walked down the stairs to my room and went back to sleep.

Single & Stylish

xx Keylee

The only thing I do not like living in Los Angeles is our lack of seasons! I have a lot of sweaters, boots, and coats that never get the wear they deserve. This time of year is my weakness, all the fabulous winter favorites go on sale!!! Here are a few things that are perfect for a mountain getaway or just enjoying brisk weather!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


What can I say? It is my favorite city in the world, the most romantic, energizing, fascinating city I have ever been to. I was thrilled to be going. We a stop in London and then took the Euro Star train to Paris. I had never taken this route, and I loved it. I had always flown from city to city and the English and French countryside beautiful as we traveled.

My business partner, Jack, and our two other colleges were traveling. It was our end of the year trip to celebrate and a fabulous excuse to go to Paris. The first time I went to Paris was with my best friend and business partner, on the flight over he asked me a question.

“Do you know why I am taking you to Paris?” he asked.

“Because you wanted to go, and I was a good excuse,” I answered.

“I am taking you to Paris because the first time you go you should go with a man who will love you forever.” He said.

He was gay and fabulous, and my soul mate, or I thought so at the time.

My first trip to this magical city was beyond my imagination. I had dreamed my entire life of going to Paris, and everything was magical. For this reason, my second trip made me even more excited. I knew what was in store and how much I loved it. It was the same feeling you have at Christmas as you await the arrival of your family, the greatest feeling of anticipation.

We flew over on a red eye, which is the best way to go. A meal, my bed, was made, and I was out. We all woke up and had been transported to London.

London was great. Historical sites, Singin In The Rain at the theater, shopping, and pubs… but I couldn’t wait to get to Paris. As we headed to our train, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I had not been to the city in 8 years, and I wondered if I would love it as much as I did the first time. I wondered if I had built it up in my head to a point that I would be disappointed when I actually arrived. I was not. It was more new spectacular than I had remembered though I still hope to return with someone I love.

Chanel, Hermes, Christian Louboutin, Jean Paul Gaultier and, of course, the famous Paris flea market Porte de Clignancourt, which is what I imagine heaven to look like. Row after row of shops, big and small, and vendors all selling fabulously vintage Parisian goods. I went with two goals; one, see as much jewelry as I can and two; find something that can be in my home and remind me of Paris every day. One entire store is nothing but Chanel jewelry, you must be buzzed in through the gates and can take no pictures. Some have grand vintage display cases, and some only have tables set up with their goods. I did pick up a few amazing trinkets; a vintage Christian Lacroix gold ID bracelet that I later found out had a matching choker that belonged to Rihanna, some great costume pieces, and a piece of art that I will treasure forever.

When I left for Paris my mother said to me, “buy something that takes your breath away!” She is full of good advice! After a few days in Paris I found it; I was walking by a super snotty vintage shop and the Dior gown in the window caught my eye. The construction was impeccable, the fabric was perfectly preserved, the design was timeless. When the shop keep asked if I wanted to try anything on I said, “no thank you, I don’t have the figure to wear vintage clothing.” I thought he was going to kick me out of the store. He was seriously the only rude person I have ever met in France. Then just as I was about to leave I spotted it, a vintage Chanel leather jacket. It was so delicious I couldn’t resist trying it on. It was a serious Cinderella moment; it fit me like a glove! Never in my life has a vintage piece of clothing fit me so perfectly, and it was CHANEL!!!! All the original buttons, braided leather trim, not even a scratch on the leather. I couldn’t tell if the piece had even been worn, I decided then and there this would be the piece I would buy, that was until I looked at the price. It was more than a months rent for me. I wanted it so badly, but I knew it was not the smart move. I had already been spending money in Paris like I actually had some disposable income. I sadly asked for the gentleman’s card and put the jacket back on the rack. I knew not buying the jacket would haunt me for years!

On the way back to our flat, I stopped into the most amazing little lingerie boutique and decided to cheer myself up with some sexy pieces. I had no idea who I would wear them for, but I figured it was like Field Of Dreams, if I bought/ wore it they would come! For two days I couldn’t stop thinking about this jacket, I caught myself talking about it at great length. As we prepared for our last night out on the town and packed up our things, my best friend called me upstairs. He said he had something for me to pack in my suitcase and hands me a white paper shopping bag. As I asked what was in it, I opened the bag at the same time. Before he could answer I just started screaming. I couldn’t believe it, it was the Chanel jacket! I had never owned a piece of Chanel clothing, and this one was so special. It is one of my most treasured pieces!

As we left Paris, I was anxious to get home, which was a new feeling for me. I thought that it would be a good time to start over. The pageants were over, my boy slate was clean and I was going to move full steam ahead.

The day we were leaving I got a text from Sam, “Hey, how are you?” It was so odd; I hadn’t spoken to him in over two months, after I had called to let him know I had accidently had dinner with his ex-wife.

That past December my girlfriend from New York was in town, and though I was beyond tired that night, she had asked me to dinner with her and two girlfriends. I am sitting at dinner next to a lovely woman, and we all begin to talk about being single and dating. She mentioned how difficult it was to date with kids, due to schedules and such. I said that I didn’t have kids, but I had dated someone with children and I remember it always a hurdle. When she brought up her children, two girls, and a boy, I said “Oh the guy I dated had two girls and a boy, how funny.” Pretty soon we were ordering another round of cocktails and having a great time. As the conversation moves on we begin to talk about being divorced, she had not one negative thing to say about her husband but my girlfriend was clearly not a fan of his. After the mention of what he did for a living, I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I casually asked to see photos of her children and as she turned her phone around to show me a few pictures I nearly knocked over my drink. They were Sam’s kids! How the fuck did I end up at dinner with Sam’s ex-wife??? I took a giant swig of my cocktail and decided to excuse myself to use the restroom; I was sweating like a whore in church. As I got up from the table, my large designer (expensive) cuff bracelet fell off of my arm. She was kind enough to pick it up and as she handed it back to me she said, “Oh, I love this. I have always wanted one.” I just looked at her with a “holy shit” smile and said, “Oh thanks, it was a gift.” What I left out was that it was a gift from her ex-husband!

I got the bathroom and started dialing everyone I knew, what are the freaking chances! I thought about faking ill and having a waiter send a note to the table, but that would be lame. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I can do this, we are all grown ups. There is no way she would be able to figure it out, it is not like Sam and I were ever serious.” As I walked back to the table I had calmed down and stopped sweating. By the time I got back the girl talk had turned to the topic of sex.

Shit! Suddenly my new BFF was talking about her preferences and how sex with her husband had been, etc., etc., etc. It was horrifying! I decided to stop drinking for fear that I would overmedicate and begin talking about things I shouldn’t. Sex with Sam had always been fine but he was a man of the same three moves over and over, I was just waiting for her to say the same thing… but thank you lord she never did.

As I left dinner, I immediately dialed Sam. We had taken a group photo and I she had mentioned that she was going to post it on social media. I wasn’t with Sam, but I didn’t want him to hear it from someone else, and so I thought the mature thing to do was call him. The phone rang, and he didn’t pick up, so I left a message. “Hey, it’s Keylee. I just had dinner with your ex-wife on accident, and I must say she is lovely. Just wanted to let you know. Bye.” He was clearly screening because he called me back very quickly. “You what??? How??? Why???” He said with panic in his voice. When I explained the story, he wanted to know every detail of the night. I told him to chill out, I hadn’t said anything, and I had no plans too!

But what did he want now? Why was he texting me again?

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

One of the best things about Paris is the flawless style the women have! Simple, polished, timeless and flawless.

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Self Love!

Valentines Day has never been a favorite holiday of mine. I think those feelings started in college when my boyfriend at the time waited so long to buy me flowers a flower that the only thing our local grocery store had was one that was mostly dead. My mother warned me he was lame. The only bright spot in my Valentines Day is my father! Every year since I was in Kindergarten he has sent me flowers. No matter where I am in the world, which let’s face it at times I can be tricky to locate, he always manages to find me and has flowers delivered!

When you are single Valentines Day can go one of two ways. You can hate the day and every happy in love person you encounter, giving dirty looks to anyone who looks remotely in love and you wearing all black. Or, you can join in on the love fest and celebrate those in you life you love- romantically or not! Celebrate your girlfriends, your sister, your best friend, and the woman you see every week at the dry cleaners, your nieces or nephews, and of course treat yourself with a little something special as well! I am a big believer in celebrating me all days of the year, especially on February 14th!

In the midst of this love fest holiday I will warn you of a few precautions you should take; steer clear of romantic restaurants, rom-coms, and most all of social media that day. You don’t have to hate the day but living everyone else’s romantic holiday when you are a single may cause nausea, vomiting, heavy drinking, and texting under the influence.

Love, Keylee

My Valentines Day Gift Guide for you or for someone you love: