I Didn’t Want To Leave.

The next couple of days were calm and relaxing on around the property.  Andrew worked each day while sat on the upstairs porch, Skyp’d with my divorce lawyer and answered work emails, I did have three state pageants coming up after all!  I also went running almost every day, it was a simple and lovely life.  His daughter and family would be arriving in just a few days so he decided that the two of us should go to dinner before everyone arrived, I was thrilled!  In preparation for our date night I went on my daily run and jumped into the shower.  As I was deciding what to wear I got a text from Andrew who was one building away in his office, “Change of plans for tonight, I forgot it was my monthly boys dinner.  I hope you are not upset, come to the office so we can talk.”  Upset?  No, why on earth would I be upset.  I flew 5000 miles to spend time with him and he was going out for a boys night???   I wasn’t mad; I was livid, I was hurt and more than anything I felt like an idiot.   Here I was standing out on a limb so far with my feelings, hanging his fucking laundry on a clothes line, trying to learn phrases in Portuguese, preparing his house for the arrival of his family and he is going out for a boys night?!?!  After being really really pissed for about 10 minutes I collected myself and walked into his office,  “sorry, I totally forgot about tonight, I hope it is ok” he said before I even opened my mouth.  Of course I said “sure, it is fine.”  For anyone who has ever been in a relationship you now what fine really means but, what was I supposed to do? Throw a fit?  Yell? Scream?  If he rather go out with his friends then he should go.  It was the first no win situation he had put me in and let’s just say I didn’t like it!

At this point in my recovery (that is what I have come to call the year after I left my marriage) I was not strong enough to say what was really on my mind.  So instead of saying what I wanted to say I told him I was disappointed but if he wanted to go out with the boys then that is what he should do.  I stayed in that night and stewed, ate pâté, drank wine and cried myself to sleep.  Totally healthy I know.

The next morning Andrew was his sweet usual self, but I was not in the mood.  Since I had slept in he brought me tea while I was still in bed and tried to make small talk.  I had heard him come in the night before but, of course, pretended to be sleeping, then I was up most of the night going over in my head what I wished I had said to him.  I decided to skip breakfast and go for a run, I needed to burn off some of my anger before I started my day.

When I returned about an hour later Andrew said he had a surprise for me.  Something about his smiled always seemed to soften me up.  He needed to run into town and wanted me to go, I was dying to get off the farm so I agreed.  I took a quick shower and threw on a pair of jeans.  When I came out of the house and Andrew is wearing his motorcycle gear, “we are taking the bike!” He said with a great big smile.   I have never been a fan of street bikes, but I was still a fan of his, I thought what the hell and grabbed the helmet.  As I went to put the helmet on Andrew grabbed me around the waist and kissed me deeply.  As I took a step back, slightly dazed, he looked at me and said, “thank you for not making a big deal about last night, I know you were upset.  I had a great time, but I missed you terribly.”  I said nothing and put my helmet on, crawled on the back of the bike and held on tight.

The ride was thrilling, he drove like he did most things; very intensely!  As I held onto Andrew as tight as I could I felt myself melt into him.   We went into town to run a few errands and then drove to a property that was adjacent the farm.  It was a property that Andrew wanted to purchase and restore, he had talked about it ever since we met. The land included; a forest, vineyard, two stone buildings, barn, main house and lots of history.  I could see the house and most of the property from the porch that I sat on each morning, but hadn’t seen it closeup.  For just a moment I let myself think about what life would be like there, how extraordinary it would be to purchase a piece of history like that and restore it.  I would need to make sure it had a washer AND dryer for sure!

The next day Andrew informed me I could not go running.  At first I puffed up thinking “you are not going to tell me what to do!”  He went on to explain that it was opening hunting day and since the run I took was through the countryside I shouldn’t go running for fear I would get shot!  Oh, ok I thought.  That afternoon Andrew asked me out on another date and this time he didn’t cancel.  We had a romantic dinner and a wonderful night!  His family and daughter were arriving the next day and I was thinking about how nervous I was, but soon I was blissfully asleep snuggled in next to Andrew.  I noticed the next morning that Andrew was nervous as well, running around the house making sure everything was perfect.  I was happy to see that once everyone arrived he started to relax.  We all spent the first evening in the back courtyard outside the kitchen drinking wine, eating grilled calamari and listening to his father tell story after story about the farm, Andrew and growing up in Portugal.  His father was very orderly and strict yet he was kind, warm and very funny.  I always knew that Andrew looked up to him and now I could see why.

The next few days were wonderful; we laughed, spent time with his family, went running together, laid at the pool and tried to absorb every last second of being together that we could.   We were finally through the awkward period and on the same page.  The connection we had when we first met in LA was back and stronger than ever.   I couldn’t believe how fast two and half weeks had flown by and suddenly I wasn’t ready to leave.  I didn’t know when we would see each other again and that made me nervous.

The morning I left Andrew drove me to the airport in Lisbon and we talked non-stop the whole way, I think we were both avoiding the goodbye conversation.  Part of me was excited to get back to the states but on the other hand I was super sad to leave.  I was flying to Oklahoma to see my family, so I wasn’t going home just yet, but it was a whole lot closer.  Though the trip hadn’t been perfect I knew I was going to miss him.  When we pulled up to the departure area at the airport Andrew placed my bags on the curb and walked over to me.  He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me in close, looked me right in the eyes, put his hand on my cheek and said I love you in Portuguese “amo-te” and then he kissed me.  Now I really didn’t want to leave.  As the skycap stood by waiting, I grabbed my handbag, stole one more kiss and turned to walk away.  As I got to the doors of the airport I turned back to see him still standing outside his car waiting for me to look.  I gave one last small wave and headed inside.  I knew that if I looked back again I would either start crying or run back to him so I just kept walking.

As I sat on the plane and prepared for the long flight home I thought about the trip.  It all seemed very surreal.  I had never been to a country like Portugal or with a man like Andrew.  When I thought about it all I was a little overwhelmed and was happy to finally take a deep breath and relax a bit.

I had been traveling for almost six weeks straight; LA, Miami, Bahamas, Cancun, Houston, Denver, Aspen, LA, NY, Lisbon, New Jersey, Denver, Tulsa, Wichita, Dallas and finally home to LA.  Needless to say I had a great tan, but I was exhausted and my clothing desperately wanted out of the suitcase it has been jammed into time and time again!   After my brief trip to the lake with my family, I was finally headed home and back to real life.

Sadly it turned out to be just as dreadful as I feared it would be.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

After years of traveling I have perfected my inflight look. Here are a few easy and stylish pieces to wear on flights and a few essentials for any traveler!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What Do Men Really Think Of Your Panties?

Thong, brief, boy short, bikini, c-string, g-string, v-string, control top… what type of underwear are you wearing?  What does it say about you?  What do men think?   Check out this cute and cheeky video to find out!

Men buy underwear in packs and they have limited options when it comes to color, fit, and style; brief, boxer and boxer brief.   Women on the other hand have endless options!  On some level men think we should all look like Victoria Secret models wearing lace, satin, leather and silk everyday.  The reality is that most women look for comfort first and foremost when picking out her daily panties, but trust me ladies it is worth finding the happy medium.  No man wants to be with a woman who is wearing panties that look like something his mother wore!

Clearly I have lingerie on the brain this week… what is that about???

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

When A Dream Becomes Reality.

As my departure date for my trip to Portugal grew closer I was literally counting down the days until I would see Andrew again.  I started writing in my journal as if I was writing letters to him and it became a day-by-day countdown. I was excited, nervous, excited again and scared out of my mind. Since our first email exchange I had really fallen for him and since he left to go home I was able to romanticize every text, email, skype and phone call we had. I never been with a man that made me feel that special- ever.

It felt great, but it also filled my head with so many questions. I knew that if this relationship moved forward Andrew was never going to move back to the United States (this is something he had made clear) which could only mean I would have to move to Portugal. In turn that would mean I would need to learn the language, learn to drive in another country, have babies in another country and live 5000 miles away from my family and friends. No matter how much we talked about things or how many plans I made in my head more questions would come up;  Would I be able to work? Would I have to get a new cell phone? Would we live in his family home? How would I make friends? Would anyone visit me?  It was very clear that if that was the path we took I would be giving up everything for a man I loved. I may have never felt so special in my life but giving up everything for a man I was in love with was very familiar to me.

My 35th birthday was upon me and I was in the Bahamas for Miss Teen USA, heading to Mexico the next day (on my actual birthday). As the clock struck midnight in Lisbon Andrew called to tell me Happy Birthday- it was the best gift I had been given in a long time. I couldn’t get over how thoughtful it was, he timed it so that he would call me when it was my birthday where he was.  I was on cloud nine that night as I toasted my birthday and went for a midnight swim in the Caribbean with friends.  The next morning I woke up to find a text from him as well.  “I’m so in love with you.  I want you with me.”  In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

I packed my bags and headed to Mexico with a huge smile on my face.  About an hour after I landed in Cancun I got a call from James, he was the friend that had set Andrew and I up, but later admitted he never thought it would go further than a fun weekend.  “Happy Birthday” he shouted into the phone as I answered.  I said thank you and then his tone changed, “I talked to Andrew yesterday.”  “Yesss….” I said.  “I just want to make sure you know what you are doing, are you sure you are not going too fast?”  He questioned.  “Why are you saying this? What exactly did he say to you?”  I asked.  “Nothing specific but from what I gather you two are making plans for the future and getting serious fast, just be careful” he warned.  I, of course, was taken back by his call.  I kept thinking about what Andrew must have really said and why James was suddenly so concerned.  I downplayed it trying not to sound defensive and re-assure James that I handle on things.  I told him that I knew exactly what I was doing and that he had nothing to worry about.  The reality was that I had no clue what I was doing, it was like flying an airplane with a blindfold on.

That night I wrote in my journal;

“Being with you is like being addicted to drugs or alcohol- I can’t help it. “

“Andrew you make me feel special and you make me feel loved from half way around the world- I can only imagine how you will make me feel when I am at your side and in your arms in 18 days. I am a bit worried I will be overwhelmed and never leave.”

Ack! I was so wrapped up in him it made me write in Hallmark card speak. Just reading that entry back made me want to throw up- it was so cheesy!

Mexico was fantastic and when I got back to LA I had six days before leaving for New York and Portugal. I was obsessed with packing the moment I got home.  I had to find the cutest casual farm wear, workout wear and lingerie possible.  I had it in my mind that I needed lots and lots of lingerie.  I needed to shop, organize and pack!  Due to the cobblestone streets and all of our downtime we would have he had warned me about bringing too many pairs of heels, none was actually the number he suggested- Hahaha.  All said and done I ended up taking 2 pairs of heels and more lingerie than one person could possibly wear in two and half weeks!  It sounded so perfect, downtime for me on a farm located in a village outside of Lisbon with the sexiest man I had ever met!  Heaven.

In the midst of all my faux romance bliss the reality was that I was still going through a divorce. I was trying to not lean on Andrew or involve him in any way. My relationship with him was my escape from real life and I enjoyed not talking about the drama going on in my life. My husband was in the serious mind fuck stage and it was painful on a daily basis, needless to say it was taking a toll on me.  My emotions were up and down, one minute I was on top of the world feeling loved and special and the next I felt like I had been run over by a truck.  It was hard at times to wrap my brain around roller coaster I was on.  Deep down I knew that I was in a huge transitional state and not in a place to make any promises to anyone or any big decisions about my life.  I also knew that once I was with Andrew things would be easier and more complicated at the same time.

Three days until I would arrive in Portugal I woke up to an email from him expressing his “fears.” This is not a word he had ever used in front of me, I didn’t know how to react. His fear were not fears about me specifically but more about his (and what I thought at the time, my) future.  Andrew was a typical guy in the sense that he wanted to have his life figured out before he made next steps, one foot in front of the other and keeping all the plates spinning in the air.  In a small way I was jealous.  He was focused, knew exactly what he wanted in life and had a plan to get it.  I, on the other hand, was swimming.  I appreciated his honesty and felt good about the fact he was opening up and being honest.

It was only 2 days until I was leaving and I was about to come out of my skin with anticipation. The night before I left LA I had dinner scheduled with James. I told him straight out I was not going to be lectured all night about how I was moving too fast.  I explained that I was going on this trip with zero expectations (which was a total lie).  I was scared and excited and I decided to just jump in and see where it was going to take me. He agreed easily, decided to stop the lecture train and enjoy the meal.

Journal Entry 8/10

“I have to admit, I do think I am getting wrapped up in talking about our future because it feels so good. I hope you know I say exactly how I feel.“

After a successful press event in New York, I arrived at Newark airport with a clean face and dressed for my overnight flight (aka Lululemon). I got lucky and scored the entire exit row to myself. Dim cabin lights, a Benadryl and I was fast asleep.  I needed to arrive looking as refreshed as possible!  I had packed a cute dress in the top of my luggage and the plan was to change in the bathroom before I walked out of customs. As the plane started to descend for arrival I slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply a bit of makeup.  In case you have never attempted this you should note that it is very difficult to try and feel sexy after you get “ready” in an airplane bathroom, especially in coach.

As the plane touched down my stomached dropped, what the hell was I thinking? I just flew thousands of miles to spend 3 weeks in a foreign country with a guy I knew for seven days. What if he was some crazy person? What if he was going to tie me up in his barn and have his way with me? What if he was selling me into white slavery??? All of these horrible scenarios went through my head, mainly because they were questions my mother had asked me before I left! I figured it was a little too late to be worrying and my life was already like a Dateline story so what were the chances of something else crazy happening?

I got my luggage and headed to the ladies’ room to change. I was not the only woman in the bathroom changing, but I was the only one speaking English. I looked in the mirror, applied a tiny bit of lip gloss, ran a brush through my hair, took a deep breath, gave myself a pep talk in the mirror and walked out. I got through customs with no issues and walked out to where everyone waits for his or her arriving party.  I have always had an irrational fear of landing at the airport and no one being there to pick me up so I searched the crowd for his face and said a tiny prayer that he had actually shown up!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

I have a small lingerie addiction. Nothing feels sexier than wearing something pretty everyday. Here are a few of my favorites!

P.S. Sorry for the late post, I had a few technical difficulties today!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Maybe I Could Just Run Away.

After Andrew left my life needed to return to normal, but I really didn’t want it to. My normal soon felt like every moment of every day revolved around my divorce and all of the information gathering activities I required to do. Bank statements, financial statements, timelines, bills, pay stubs, photos, on and on and on…. I kept thinking, “How can it be so easy to get married and so damn difficult to get divorced?” Ugh, why did I ever get married! After awhile I stopped letting the anger get to me and focused on the prize- living in the truth! I kept thinking of something I once read about in a magazine; a drive through place in Las Vegas where you could not only get married but also get divorced? That is genius, then I thought that I would have to be in a car with my husband and I didn’t even want to be in the same room with him. My husband and I had little contact at this point, I had no interest in hearing how he thought we should try and work it out and I was making a huge mistake. Though I did have to keep in touch with him on some level because he held my health insurance, still had all of my belongings and had agreed with our legal team to reopen our bank account so that I had access to some income, I had brought our communication down to a minimum.

I remember back when he was traveling or “working” and I wouldn’t be able to reach him or I would get 2 text messages a day telling me how busy he was and how well the trip was going.  Now of course I know he wasn’t really on work trips or if he was he wasn’t alone, he was with her and now that I didn’t want to hear from him he was blowing my phone up ten times a day!

I was finally back living in LA, feeling a bit more human, had a huge crush on a new boy, but I needed to take the next step- I wanted my career back. I was happy running the pageants, but it wasn’t my dream. I had actually walked away from the pageant business once before and only ended up back where I was due to the timing of several events. I wasn’t  unhappy, but I wanted to be working in fashion… just like I was 4 years prior -before I moved to San Francisco. I left LA at the height of my career, not smart move in hindsight clearly, and I now I was more determined than ever to get my career back. I decided to set up meetings, send out emails and make phone calls to re-establish some old connections and let everyone know I was back!

My first calls were to production companies I had worked with. Talking with my favorite producer, Laura, I decided to host a small girls dinner with some women that I had worked with over the years; a makeup artist, another stylist, producer… all women and all fabulous. I called Petite Ermitage, a members only rooftop club that my husband and I had joined about 9 months prior. People always wanted to go when I offered up the invite.  It was a great restaurant with a view, fun vibe, good food and felt like a little slice of Europe right in the middle of West Hollywood; Twinkle lights, rod iron furniture, live music and pool. I called the members reservation line, like always, and left my name, number in my party and the time we wanted I wanted the reservation. I called all the girls and finalized our plans.

It was going to be a great night, I was feeling confident and back and on track- plus after my week with Andrew following my week at home I was excited for some girl time. I made sure that I arrived a bit early since no one could get access without me being there. As I arrived the membership director Samantha met me at the entrance. She was a nice enough woman, kind of talked like she was chewing her face, I had always liked her, but she had never met me at the door. “Hi Keylee, I tried to call you, um… so we can’t accommodate your dinner reservation tonight,” she said, looking slightly sympathetic. “What,” I asked, “why?” I assumed they had a private party on the roof or something of that nature- it had to be a glitch. “Well, see the thing is, you are not actually a member here any longer,” she said with a straight face. “What do you mean? Of course, I am a member, the year isn’t over” I argued. “Technically you had a couples membership and your husband called and since he was the original member….” she tried to explain as her voice trailed off. I stopped her before she could finish, “let me guess, he has had my membership revoked. Are you fucking kidding me? I have 5 women on their way here and you are telling me we can’t have dinner?  You are not going to let me in?” I started to get pissed. The look on her face was priceless and she attempted to diffuse the situation “we have valued you as a member and we would love have you apply and be a member on your own. “ “You value my membership? Well clearly, as you pointed out, I don’t actually have a membership on my own so I am not sure what you value about that” I could help but saying. I was so humiliated and embarrassed, I wanted to crawl under a rock! I immediately started calling the girls; there was nothing I could really say to make it better so I just told them all the truth. “My asshole husband not only had a girlfriend for six and half years but he had me thrown out of our private club and never bothered to tell me. Looks like we need to find a new place for dinner, have any suggestions?”  The girls were super understanding and I soon had a cocktail in hand!  I had promised myself I would not contact my husband, my life was more simple and contained a lot less drama when I didn’t reach out but at that moment I had steam coming out of my ears and I couldn’t help myself.

I grabbed my phone and furiously started texting; “REALLY? You had me kicked out of Petite Ermitage? Thanks for fucking telling me, I just showed up with five guests for a work dinner and was refused entrance. I am totally humiliated, AGAIN… by you! Thanks for nothing!!!!”

I immediately got a response. “Babe, I am so sorry I did it when I was angry and forgot all about it. Let me call Samantha and I will see if she will let you in. I am sorry.”

“Fuck you!” Was all I could type back.

July was flying by and between the Miss Teen USA pageant in the Bahamas, my birthday, a trip to Mexico with friends and my pending trip to Portugal my summer was going to be over before I knew it. I had found a really great price on a flight to Lisbon after our pageant press conference in New York that year. I could fly from Newark to Lisbon, spend two and half weeks with Andrew, then would fly through Tulsa on the way home to see my family over Labor Day at the lake. My life seemed to be getting back on track. Until I got a text;

“Hey how are you? I miss you…. Dinner this week?” a text from Jaxton read.

We hadn’t talked since his birthday in June and I was excited to hear from him. I soon found myself texting back, “I would love to go to dinner!” Andrew and I were not serious… he was over 5000 miles away for goodness sake. Though I did feel a slight pang of guilt. Andrew and I talked each day and text 10 times that much. Jaxton and I were just friends now so I didn’t feel it was a big deal at all!  Not a big deal at all… but why was I so excited?

It just so happened that Jaxton was a member of Petite Ermitage, it was the location of our run in with my husband a few days before my world crashed down, and so when he suggested we go there I jumped at the chance- of course not mentioning what had happened. I had always, and still do, take great caution about what I expose about my private life, but that night I couldn’t help myself. I took a photo of the famous view with the twinkle lights trimming the photo and posted it on social media; “What a fabulous night with a fabulous friend in one of my favorite spots!” Yes, I wanted my husband to see it and yes, it was petty. And no, I didn’t care.

It was good to see Jaxton we hadn’t really talked since I had filed for divorce and we had a lot to catch up on. We were at a great place in out relationship- friends. As we sat and talked and talked and talked and drank a few cocktails I somehow left out the fact that I had met Andrew and was going to visit him in a month. Let’s just say that it didn’t come up and I didn’t feel like I needed to mention it. I didn’t know where it was going to go and I had learned not to rush into things. Of course had he asked, “have you met anyone?” I would have been honest, but he wanted to talk about it as much as I did…. So we didn’t. Jaxton and I kissed each other goodnight and I went home to my own bed- yay me!

I woke up every morning with a waiting text from Andrew saying “good morning beautiful.” He was very romantic and passionate and I lapped it right up! On a daily basis, I thought about how great it would be just to escape. Leave everything I knew behind and start over- was that place Portugal was that new beginning with Andrew? I was sitting at my desk looking at photos of Portugal online and daydreaming… I wouldn’t need to build my career back in LA, I could get a speedy divorce (which was a pipe dream to say the least), no one knew me or my past and I could start over with a sexy man! Put everything that had happened over the last 6 years behind me. The fact I didn’t speak the language, hadn’t even moved an inch on my divorce and didn’t really know Andrew didn’t occur to me…. It all just sounded like lovely idea!!!

With my phone ringing, my emails piling up and hearing “your divorce lawyer is on the phone again” from our office assistant I snapped back to reality quickly.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

No matter what is going on in my life I love summer!  The long evenings outdoors, fun with friends, travel, and of course the fashion….



*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.