When A Dream Becomes Reality.

As my departure date for my trip to Portugal grew closer I was literally counting down the days until I would see Andrew again.  I started writing in my journal as if I was writing letters to him and it became a day-by-day countdown. I was excited, nervous, excited again and scared out of my mind. Since our first email exchange I had really fallen for him and since he left to go home I was able to romanticize every text, email, skype and phone call we had. I never been with a man that made me feel that special- ever.

It felt great, but it also filled my head with so many questions. I knew that if this relationship moved forward Andrew was never going to move back to the United States (this is something he had made clear) which could only mean I would have to move to Portugal. In turn that would mean I would need to learn the language, learn to drive in another country, have babies in another country and live 5000 miles away from my family and friends. No matter how much we talked about things or how many plans I made in my head more questions would come up;  Would I be able to work? Would I have to get a new cell phone? Would we live in his family home? How would I make friends? Would anyone visit me?  It was very clear that if that was the path we took I would be giving up everything for a man I loved. I may have never felt so special in my life but giving up everything for a man I was in love with was very familiar to me.

My 35th birthday was upon me and I was in the Bahamas for Miss Teen USA, heading to Mexico the next day (on my actual birthday). As the clock struck midnight in Lisbon Andrew called to tell me Happy Birthday- it was the best gift I had been given in a long time. I couldn’t get over how thoughtful it was, he timed it so that he would call me when it was my birthday where he was.  I was on cloud nine that night as I toasted my birthday and went for a midnight swim in the Caribbean with friends.  The next morning I woke up to find a text from him as well.  “I’m so in love with you.  I want you with me.”  In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

I packed my bags and headed to Mexico with a huge smile on my face.  About an hour after I landed in Cancun I got a call from James, he was the friend that had set Andrew and I up, but later admitted he never thought it would go further than a fun weekend.  “Happy Birthday” he shouted into the phone as I answered.  I said thank you and then his tone changed, “I talked to Andrew yesterday.”  “Yesss….” I said.  “I just want to make sure you know what you are doing, are you sure you are not going too fast?”  He questioned.  “Why are you saying this? What exactly did he say to you?”  I asked.  “Nothing specific but from what I gather you two are making plans for the future and getting serious fast, just be careful” he warned.  I, of course, was taken back by his call.  I kept thinking about what Andrew must have really said and why James was suddenly so concerned.  I downplayed it trying not to sound defensive and re-assure James that I handle on things.  I told him that I knew exactly what I was doing and that he had nothing to worry about.  The reality was that I had no clue what I was doing, it was like flying an airplane with a blindfold on.

That night I wrote in my journal;

“Being with you is like being addicted to drugs or alcohol- I can’t help it. “

“Andrew you make me feel special and you make me feel loved from half way around the world- I can only imagine how you will make me feel when I am at your side and in your arms in 18 days. I am a bit worried I will be overwhelmed and never leave.”

Ack! I was so wrapped up in him it made me write in Hallmark card speak. Just reading that entry back made me want to throw up- it was so cheesy!

Mexico was fantastic and when I got back to LA I had six days before leaving for New York and Portugal. I was obsessed with packing the moment I got home.  I had to find the cutest casual farm wear, workout wear and lingerie possible.  I had it in my mind that I needed lots and lots of lingerie.  I needed to shop, organize and pack!  Due to the cobblestone streets and all of our downtime we would have he had warned me about bringing too many pairs of heels, none was actually the number he suggested- Hahaha.  All said and done I ended up taking 2 pairs of heels and more lingerie than one person could possibly wear in two and half weeks!  It sounded so perfect, downtime for me on a farm located in a village outside of Lisbon with the sexiest man I had ever met!  Heaven.

In the midst of all my faux romance bliss the reality was that I was still going through a divorce. I was trying to not lean on Andrew or involve him in any way. My relationship with him was my escape from real life and I enjoyed not talking about the drama going on in my life. My husband was in the serious mind fuck stage and it was painful on a daily basis, needless to say it was taking a toll on me.  My emotions were up and down, one minute I was on top of the world feeling loved and special and the next I felt like I had been run over by a truck.  It was hard at times to wrap my brain around roller coaster I was on.  Deep down I knew that I was in a huge transitional state and not in a place to make any promises to anyone or any big decisions about my life.  I also knew that once I was with Andrew things would be easier and more complicated at the same time.

Three days until I would arrive in Portugal I woke up to an email from him expressing his “fears.” This is not a word he had ever used in front of me, I didn’t know how to react. His fear were not fears about me specifically but more about his (and what I thought at the time, my) future.  Andrew was a typical guy in the sense that he wanted to have his life figured out before he made next steps, one foot in front of the other and keeping all the plates spinning in the air.  In a small way I was jealous.  He was focused, knew exactly what he wanted in life and had a plan to get it.  I, on the other hand, was swimming.  I appreciated his honesty and felt good about the fact he was opening up and being honest.

It was only 2 days until I was leaving and I was about to come out of my skin with anticipation. The night before I left LA I had dinner scheduled with James. I told him straight out I was not going to be lectured all night about how I was moving too fast.  I explained that I was going on this trip with zero expectations (which was a total lie).  I was scared and excited and I decided to just jump in and see where it was going to take me. He agreed easily, decided to stop the lecture train and enjoy the meal.

Journal Entry 8/10

“I have to admit, I do think I am getting wrapped up in talking about our future because it feels so good. I hope you know I say exactly how I feel.“

After a successful press event in New York, I arrived at Newark airport with a clean face and dressed for my overnight flight (aka Lululemon). I got lucky and scored the entire exit row to myself. Dim cabin lights, a Benadryl and I was fast asleep.  I needed to arrive looking as refreshed as possible!  I had packed a cute dress in the top of my luggage and the plan was to change in the bathroom before I walked out of customs. As the plane started to descend for arrival I slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply a bit of makeup.  In case you have never attempted this you should note that it is very difficult to try and feel sexy after you get “ready” in an airplane bathroom, especially in coach.

As the plane touched down my stomached dropped, what the hell was I thinking? I just flew thousands of miles to spend 3 weeks in a foreign country with a guy I knew for seven days. What if he was some crazy person? What if he was going to tie me up in his barn and have his way with me? What if he was selling me into white slavery??? All of these horrible scenarios went through my head, mainly because they were questions my mother had asked me before I left! I figured it was a little too late to be worrying and my life was already like a Dateline story so what were the chances of something else crazy happening?

I got my luggage and headed to the ladies’ room to change. I was not the only woman in the bathroom changing, but I was the only one speaking English. I looked in the mirror, applied a tiny bit of lip gloss, ran a brush through my hair, took a deep breath, gave myself a pep talk in the mirror and walked out. I got through customs with no issues and walked out to where everyone waits for his or her arriving party.  I have always had an irrational fear of landing at the airport and no one being there to pick me up so I searched the crowd for his face and said a tiny prayer that he had actually shown up!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

I have a small lingerie addiction. Nothing feels sexier than wearing something pretty everyday. Here are a few of my favorites!

P.S. Sorry for the late post, I had a few technical difficulties today!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Married At First Sight… To A Total Stranger.

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Well, this is one way to do it!  Married At First Sight is a new show on A & E and I don’t know about you but I will defiantly be tuning in!  The networks website says this about the show;

Based on the hit Danish format, “Married at First Sight” is an extreme social experiment following six brave souls who are yearning for a life-long partnership as they agree to a provocative proposal: getting legally married the moment they first meet. Four specialists – sexologist, Dr. Logan Levkoff; spiritualist, Greg Epstein; psychologist, Dr. Joseph Cilona; and sociologist, Dr. Pepper Schwartz – will create what they believe are three perfect couples, based on scientific matchmaking. The couples will never meet or know each other until they walk down the aisle and see each other face to face, for the first time, when they get married. Each episode of “Married at First Sight” will follow the classic lifestyle stories of newlyweds – from the honeymoon to early nesting to other relatable events of married life. After several weeks together, each couple must make a decision: do they remain together or decide to separate?

Check out a preview here:

It sounds totally crazy but I am intrigued by the use of a scientific process to find love and the decision of the six singles to take such a giant leap of faith!  What I don’t like is the fact the promo photos look like the man and woman have maxi pad blind folds over their eyes- but that has nothing to do with love… just bad styling!

I have known of, and read about, a lot of arranged marriages that have worked out and turned into loving, respectful, lasting relationships.  Is this the modern arranged marriage? Will the couples have sex on their wedding wedding night?  Technically it will be a first date, we all know that is a no no!  What do the families think?  We, believe, or at least want to believe, in love at first sight but would you get Married At First Sight?

xx Keylee

I also have to mention that Jamie Otis, one of the brides featured in the show, was also a Miss New York USA contestant and a contestant on the Bachelor!!

Comment below and let me know if your thoughts!f


Are You Seeking An Arrangement?

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Two days ago I am driving down Sunset Blvd and see a small billboard with a sexy brunette on it that reads;  “Happy 18th Birthday, Meet Your New Sugar Daddy!  Are you Seeking An Arrangement?”   WTF?  When I got home I had to look it up and this is what I learned. The site is basically a place for men “Sugar Daddy’s” or women “Sugar Mommy’s” (rich ladies are not to be excluded) to find young women, a Sugar Baby, who are looking for a “good time” and of course, cash.  I quickly learned what Sugar Baby  means;  a girl that a rich man or woman (some sugar baby’s dont have a preference even) pays to spend time, otherwise known as a prostitute.

As a Sugar Baby you can browse the profiles of such quality men as;  The Perpetual Partier, Looking For A Princess or Looking for Someone To Spoil.  Get excited ladies, I saw many profiles of these Sugar Daddy’s earn as much as $175,000 per year (some more but not much).  HAHAHA.   I am not saying that is not a great deal of money but I do not think a Sugar Daddy it makes.  Shouldn’t the standards be a bit more strict?  In each profile the daddy lists what they would allow for a “lifestyle budget” for the potential Sugar Baby; Negotiable, Practical or High.  Wow, a high lifestyle budget…. what does that equal?  A shopping spree at Target?

Don’t worry if you are a newbie they provide “A Beginners Guide To Being A Sugar Baby” and a hall of fame section of sorts that provides you inspiration from the most famous celebrity Sugar Baby’s including many of Hef’s Ex’s and V Stiviano (worked out well for her, right?)  Awe, it’s like a twisted little pathetic sisterhood!  I wonder if you can order a t-shirt?  Through the sites blog I learned all sorts of new things, for example; “How To Dress For Daddy” the difference between “Per Meet Paid Agreement vs Monthly Allowance,” and how to handle it when daddy wants two babies at once … uh oh, can you say threesome??

This wondrous site that is providing income to women by sort of semi-well off dudes, most of whom are married or have low morals, has been talked about by numerous local and international news sources; The Huffington PostCNBC and too many regional outlets to count- even in my hometown of Kansas City.   I  never knew it was that easy to go one dates and get paid?  The site can be translated into ten different languages so we know they do not discriminate!

Is this what dating has come to?  Are the days of Match.com, JDate, and Tinder over?   Let’s call a spade a spade, this is a straight up hooker site and from my quick non-scientific research it is not  the only one!  They are a dime a dozen!  Who knew?

But don’t worry ladies, the site clearly states that sex is not always expected.  Whew!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

I Wore A Sweatshirt To Dinner, It Was That Bad.

I landed in LA still in a daze, I don’t know why I was so surprised my husband went back on his word to help me out financially and shut down our bank account with no notice, but somehow I was.  He had lied for over six years and all of a sudden I am surprised??? Now who is the crazy one?

After I landed I went home and took a nap, my body was like a rag doll.  Soon my girlfriends were calling and telling me we were going out for sushi.  I told them NO way, I wasn’t going anywhere and to top it off I had no money (well I had money, but I had no access to it).  I was perfectly happy cocooned in my bed and old oversized cashmere sweater with holes in it that I wore around when I was feeling sick or depressed. I wasn’t going anywhere!  After being told I didn’t’ really have a choice and they would cover me at dinner and realizing that I hadn’t eaten since three bites of dinner the night before I motivated enough to change into jeans and a sweatshirt.  Just for the record it was a cute, stylish sweatshirt, it was just sushi after all.  They picked me up and we were headed to our favorite local spot.

We sat down and I picked the seat with my back to the door, the last thing I needed was to see anyone I knew.  We ordered a bit of sushi and a bottle of sake, then another bottle of sake, then a few beers, then another bottle of sake, and another.  At first when the girls asked if I wanted to talk about everything of course I said no but somewhere after the second bottle of sake, or was it the third, I was cursing my husband at a volume not acceptable for a small sushi restaurant.  Next thing I know, due to my super clear head and excellent judgment I agreed, with very little persuasion, to go out for drinks.  I only agreed to go if we could go to the one place where I knew men would not be an issue; The Abbey, West Hollywood’s most famous and fabulous gay bar!   As soon as we arrived I had another genius thought, we all needed shots!  I headed straight to the back bar past the go-go dancers and ordered a round.  Mr. Tall handsome, scruffy facial hair, baseball cap, cut arms and tight t-shirt said “don’t worry about it, the shots are on me,” and before I knew it I was half way on the bar and in a lip lock.  Not leaning on the bar but on the bar, I don’t even know how I got up there so quickly.  Only in West Hollywood is this acceptable to the point that no one even batted an eye.  The crowd and dancers might be gay at The Abbey, but the bartenders were straight.  After coming back to reality, I grabbed the shots and set out to find the girls and tell them about my free shots and spontaneous make out. Maybe I should be depressed and wear sweatshirts out drinking more often, it seemed to work pretty well in LA!  When I suggested we do another round of shots, clearly just so I could sneak another kiss, I realized I was having a bit too much fun and the girls gently pointed out that maybe I needed to go home!

I woke up the next morning, with a throbbing headache from a hangover, and realized I had to get a plan, but first I needed breakfast.  I ordered breakfast from my favorite corner cafe; green juice, fresh squeezed orange juice, buckwheat pancakes and turkey bacon.  I slipped on the biggest pair of sunglasses I could find, between the crying for two days and night out drinking I looked like something that got caught in the drain, and I walked to the corner to pick it up my food, as I was walking out of my building my phone rang.  I was scared to even look at the number but when I saw it was my friend James I decided to pick up.

“Talk quietly, I am super hungover.  I wore a sweatshirt out last night… a sweatshirt James!!  Then I made out with a bartender at The Abbey, oh and I asked my husband for a divorce two days ago… well I asked the therapist for one.  It’s a long story and I can’t talk about it right now.” I said without ever even saying hello.

“Which bartender, short and stalky or the tall one with the scruffy beard?”  he asked.

“Tall with a scruffy beard, wait how to you know the bartenders?  I asked

“It’s The Abbey, every gay man knows the bartenders, they make out with every straight girl that comes in.  Anyway, that is not why I am calling.  I have a favor to ask you” he said.

Feeling more special than ever and no in the mood to grant any favors I ask “what kind of favor?”

“You know how I am in Greece next month?  Well, my friend Andrew is coming to town and he is really fun and your age and I would really appreciate it if you could just have dinner or something.  I will connect you by email first.  Ok?” he asked.

“James, no.  I am not in the mood to date anyone and certainly not babysit someone for you.  Can’t he just wait till you are back in town?”  I replied.

“Keylee you will love him I promise.  Just answer the email and then decide” he insisted.  “Ok, gotta go.  Congrats on the make out, thank God it was a cute one! Oh, and burn that sweatshirt- you can’t leave the house in a sweatshirt ever again, you are single now!  Bye!”

After breakfast and a nap, I called my parents to fill them in, tell them I was totally broke and cut off from everything but that I was safe and back in LA.   My parents were frantic.  They didn’t like the way this was all going down and they were not shy about telling me.  “When are you calling a lawyer?” my mother asked.  “I don’t know, I need some time.” I kept saying.  Telling someone you want a divorce and actually filing for divorce is two very different things.  I had taken the first step and that was all I had in me for now.  I knew they were right but ugh, couldn’t it just magically happen?

The next day was Monday and part of me was thankful for a routine.  I got up put on my favorite “I feel powerful” pencil skirt and blouse then headed to the office.  A pencil skirt was always my outfit of choice when I needed a confidence boost or to feel bit more girl power.  I walked into the office and of course everyone acted like nothing was wrong or at least made a lame attempt to try.  After a tense hour of me checking emails and signing off on things that needed to be attended to Megan, our bubbly assistant said, “you know we should be celebrating!  This is a huge step for you, you are free!”  Ugh, just hearing it made me want to cry.  I kept thinking about my husband and if he was hurt, was he upset.  What did his family say?  I went outside to get some air, aka smoke a cigarette and I walked downstairs to the kitchen.

Our office was in my best friends house over the garage, he was home but still not feeling great.  I went into the kitchen to fill him in on the weekend and how things went in SF.  I suddenly started crying.  As we stood at the island and he tried everything he could to make me feel better with his wisdom while he was making fresh orange juice.  “You will get through this, you are one of the strongest people I know.  Divorce sucks but think of how great this will all be once you are on the other side.  You can handle this!”  He kept talking hoping to see something register on my face.  As I stood there trying to take it all in, I noticed a baggie of little cookies on the counter, as he is talking I picked up the baggie and ate one.  They were kind of bland and not interesting, slight peanut butter flavor, but I didn’t care and I went to grab another one.  Without skipping a beat or changing his inflection he looked at me grabbed the baggie and said “honey those are organic dog treats, not cookies!”

This was a new low.  I slumped down on the counter and buried my head… and started to cry and then laugh uncontrollably.   I went back up to the office and sat at my desk- with a big bottle of water.  I decided to get out a new yellow notepad and make a list.  No matter what shit storm I was going through the truth is I am a very fortunate person and I was not going to let myself have a pity party.

I wrote at the top; I AM BLESSED BECAUSE and then listed all the reasons; I have a wonderful supportive family, I have great friends, I have a roof over my head that is all my own, I am finally living an authentic life, I no longer am with a man that lies to me, I had the courage to leave a bad situation, I have a great shoe collection, I am going to Italy in a month, I get to see my family in two weeks when I go home for the 4th of July, I have three wonderful healthy and smart nieces, etc… you get the idea!  As I read the list allowed to my fellow office mates one of them asked “where are you going in Italy?”  I was going to visit a girlfriend who spent the month of July in Capri every year.  My parents were giving me cash for my birthday and I had a free plane ticket and place to stay- win win!   I really needed this trip.

My husband and I had been given two round trip first class tickets anywhere we wanted to go as a wedding gift.  The thought was to use them for our honeymoon and thankfully when he took Katy to Napa the weekend after our wedding they didn’t have to use them. Needless to say, he and I never went on a honeymoon, so I was taking myself on one.  Just as I started dreaming of blue water, sipping rose and Italian men my stomach dropped!  I quickly pulled up my confirmation email and dialed United Airlines.

“Yes, I need to confirm an international ticket,” I said and read the confirmation number into the phone. The operator read it back and then said “I am sorry ma’am we do not have a reservation under that confirmation number, are you sure that is the correct number?”  I read it again and she again confirmed no ticket.  “I have my itinerary and ticket number in front of me, from the airlines.  What do you mean I don’t have a ticket?” I asked while trying not to sound too upset.  “Oh, let me try the ticket number, sometimes the system glitches and it is easier to find it under that,” she said.  Whew, I thought and quickly read the ticket number to her.  “Oh, I see,” she said, “unfortunately the ticket has been canceled.”  “What? You need to un-cancel it!  I never canceled the ticket, that is my ticket” I was starting to feel less panic and more anger.  “I am sorry Miss Sanders I can not do that.  This is a world ticket and only the person who holds the account can re-instate this ticket.”  she said.   I slammed the phone down.

Goodbye blue water and Italian men, I knew that my honeymoon for one was never going to happen.  The account holder was a friend of my husband.  He is also one of two friends who knew about Katy the whole time.  A friend that I invited over constantly, cooked for, had at my Thanksgiving table, gave his daughter an internship, and that stood at my wedding in support of my marriage all the while full aware and participating in my husbands double life.  But this??? Canceling my ticket to a dream vacation without telling me, this was low!!!!  I had not wanted to have any communication with my husband since telling him, or the therapist telling him, I wanted a divorce but I picked up the phone and started dialing!   Of course he didn’t answer and I decided it was best to not leave that much anger on a recording.   As I hung up my computer dinged letting me know I had a new email, I opened my inbox and there it was.  “Hello Keylee, This is Andrew, Jonathan’s friend…….”

Single & Stylish,

xx keylee

I will never condone wearing sweats in public.  The only sweats I even own is a pair I stole from Jaxton and the sweat shirt I wore out that night.  But I do love being comfortable, here are some comfortable and cute alternatives so that no one has to wear sweats in public ever again!  As Karl Lagerfeld said “wearing sweats in public is a sign that you have given up on life”



*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.