All I Knew Was Complicated.

I came back from Hawaii feeling energized and solid, strong and centered, I felt much better than I had in a very long time. I realized I felt that way not because it was such a blissful, relaxing vacation, but because of how I was dealing with things in my life. While I was relaxing, I was also dealing with my lawyer emailing me and my husband contacting me the entire time. I went through all of that and dealt with it pretty well; I felt good about it. The time I was in Hawaii was the first instance that I felt strong about handling something having to do with my pending divorce and not falling apart! Go me!

Two days before I left I had received a subpoena for business records and a rejection of a settlement I had proposed. I felt like I was hemorrhaging money, and I wanted to see if my husband would settle with me before we went back to court in December; it would save us both money and time. He didn’t agree, he wanted to drag this out as long as he could. I had to contact my clients, per the advice of my lawyer, to notify them they may be required to provide proof of payment records for the financial discovery portion of my divorce proceedings. When a big part of your business is client confidentiality, it is not a fun phone call to have over and over. He did send me random checks in the mail and kept reaching out. I didn’t want to cash the checks, but I was backed into a corner and didn’t really have a choice. I needed the money.

I felt like I was drowning in discovery and paperwork, files and emails regarding every dime I had spent over the last several years. Who had paid for what, who had paid me for what, searching through earning statements that my husband submitted. The whole process is so overwhelming and depressing. His lies kept revealing themselves throughout the “discovery” process. Before going through this myself I would have been the one to say something like, “how did she not have any clue about the finances?” I was that woman, but I was discovering it all now. As it turns out, having a double life is very expensive.

The bigger issue was that I wanted to get my belongings back. I only had about 20% of my stuff and after the stunt in court to prolong the hearings I decided I did not want to wait until things were final and settled. Who knew when that would be! When I walked out of my house I had left most everything I owned; photo albums, my entire kitchen, wedding gifts from my first marriage, holiday decorations, my cookbooks, shoes (especially my custom made Chanel flats that I had ordered the night I met Karl Lagerfeld in NYC), clothing (lots of clothing), furniture, jewelry, bathroom stuff… the list grew by the day when I realized things I didn’t have. I would go to look for something and discover I didn’t have it. Even when I went back to my house with my girlfriends we only took what would fit in the cars and what we could carry. It wasn’t just the big things like my furniture, it was the little stuff too. My favorite swimsuit and my beach bag (I had left in January and tropical vacations weren’t exactly on my mind), my UV nail light, my fashion books that were stacked in my office, my favorite pillow, my old journals… it was my life. I had walked out nine months ago and still didn’t have my things. As my parents kept reminding me, “they are only things.” The important part was that I was getting out of my marriage and moving on with my life; I could replace all of those things. I had to remind myself of this often but, I still wanted them back they might be just things but, they were MY things!

I emailed my mom during my trip to express my frustrations. After I hit send I realized I had used the f-word more times than was probably acceptable in a Dear Mom email, but she understood. I was upset and pissed. I wanted things to be different, and most of all wanted to enjoy my vacation! Her advice was, “then do just that, enjoy your vacation! If he ruins your vacation and gets under your skin, then he wins.” I am beyond lucky to have such supportive parents!

The good news was that upon my return, I was really busy at work, and the better news was that I had Jack. Jack was an angel in my life, a very fashionable, type A angel with fabulous hair. He kept my calendar, kept me fed, organized my life and my closet and quickly became acquainted with the men in my life. He became familiar with them all, did his research and quickly decided he would shorten the list. Jack was the perfect mixture of a rock star assistant and a Jewish mother. He was equally talented in both roles.

Jack was getting to see the best of me, the focused, strong, positive Keylee. I was making an excellent first impression. It was only his third week working for me, so I was trying to keep it together, I didn’t want to scare him off.

When I got back to LA I had two things on my To Do list; sushi with the girls, Gina and Lisa, and time with Jaxton. Sushi with the girls was just as I had hoped it would be. We laughed, ate our weight in sushi and drank enough sake to get an ox drunk. It was aggressive for a Monday, but it was our routine and I needed to blow off some steam. I hadn’t seen Jaxton in awhile, and he had called when on was on my spiritual journey by the sea. I missed him and jumped at the chance to spend time with him now that I was back in LA. He seemed to be in a good place, and I was in a good place, so what could possibly go wrong… right?

Jaxton decided we would stay in and order food. It was nice. It was nights like this that I missed most being single. Ordering in, opening a bottle of wine, making out on the couch while we watched a movie- it was prefect and exactly what I needed. I woke up the next morning and still had the refreshed strong feeling; I always slept well at Jaxton’s house. Sure, I wished our relationship wasn’t so complicated, but it was. I knew he had zero expectations of me, and I knew exactly who he was and what we were. I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship; I had learned that with Andrew, Sam and so on. I did wonder where we would end up in all of this. I knew being comfortable in a complicated relationship was not a good thing, it was something I needed to examine. It seemed that complicated relationships were all I knew. My relationship with my husband had been nothing but complicated from day one, so in some twisted way the complicated relationship I had with Jaxton was comforting to me.

I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the tools…yet.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

Though I felt strong I was still in a grey period of my life, everything was up in the air. Grey just also happens to be one of the hottest colors this season!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.