Sam and I were having an amazing time together, but as the fun times increased so did my insecurities. My insecurities and the questions, my head was about to explode with questions. Over the next couple of days, Sam and I had dinner with friends, a romantic night out at my favorite restaurant in town, and he even convinced me to ski again the next day. Considering I usually only skied tone two days all year, this was a huge accomplishment.
After our second day of skiing, we were sitting at the bottom of the mountain having a lovely bottle of rose and Sam got up to make a phone call. As he walked away, I was letting the sunshine beam on my face but as I watched him pace with the phone to his ear, my mind started wondering and the questions started flooding in. Does he like me? Does he want a girlfriend? Do I want a boyfriend? Do I want to be with one person? In the end, the two biggest questions were this, “Do I want to date Sam? Will I ever be a priority to him?” In my heart, I knew the answers. I loved the “idea” of him and no, I would not be his priority- ever.
When it came to Sam, I had to stop and realize that I was having moments of happiness, and that was great progress for me! No matter what my feelings were, up or down I felt lucky just to be having feelings! So I told myself to stop with the questions and just go with it.
After Sam had flown back to LA, the questions in my head and insecurities got worse, and I spiraled into a bad place. Ted, my pseudo brother, and I were sitting at the bar one night and as we started talking the conversation turned to my ex. They had been friends and, to be honest; I was asking a few too many questions. The type of questions, I didn’t really want to know the answers to but after two martinis, I asked anyways. I asked if my x was dating and Ted was honest, as he always was and said yes. A few moments later I couldn’t hold it back, I could feel my eyes getting hot. Ted got up use the restroom, and I dashed out of the bar, I didn’t’ want anyone to see me cry. So I, of course, did the rational drunk girl thing and decided to walk home. I walked home in the dark in the winter in the snow which I now admit was not very smart. It was only 10 or so blocks away, but I fell twice, in my full-length fur coat, which only made me want to cry more. It was not my finest moment.
I laid in bed thinking about how my x was out in the world dating and living his life and though my life appeared to be in a good place, I was riddled with insecurities. Part of me was thrilled he had moved on, and his focus was no longer on me, yet somehow I didn’t think he deserved to be dating. In what dimension was it fair that he was dating and happy, and I was still trying to find my way? As I laid in bed and looked at the ceiling, I thought about him being happy, this made me angry. All I could think about was that I wanted to be happy so bad, and somehow I couldn’t figure out how to get there. He on the other hand had moved on, most likely lying to another woman, but I assumed it made him happy. I asked myself, when was the last time I was honestly happy? Sure I had had moments of happiness over the past year but had I been truly happy over an extended period? Not really.
The answer didn’t come as easy as I would have liked and I didn’t know if it was truly the last time I was happy but my trip to New York in February of 2011 popped into my head. There is something magical about New York City in the snow, especially when you live in Los Angeles. I had flown in on Monday for a few work meetings and to spend time with friends. My x would be arriving later in the week for events surrounding the opening of his East Coast office. All of my meetings in the days leading up to his arrival had gone flawlessly; I was on a huge high and very optimistic about my career. His work events were of huge importance, so I made sure all of my work and other commitments were finished prior to his arrival, I wanted to be totally available for him.
Friday night was the opening party at the The Campbell Apartment. Not only was I excited for the event but I was, of course, excited about my look. I planned to wear my chocolate leather dress; it was a top five favorite of mine.
The whole evening was perfect. We laughed and flirted in between him working the room and introducing me to more people than I could ever remember. He was king of the night, and I was thrilled to be on his arm. Afterward, we went to dinner with everyone from the home office and long after the clock struck midnight we decided to head back to the hotel. My feet were exhausted and when he was ready to call it a night I realized that I couldn’t wait to get back to our room snuggle with my man. It had been a really happy trip on all fronts.
That night before we turned in he mentioned that if I wanted to ditch my commercial flight I could join the others and fly home on one of the company planes. I jumped at the opportunity to leave earlier and fly back private. As I got ready for bed I smiled to myself thinking about how lucky I was to have such a wonderful guy, he was so thoughtful! I went to sleep that night just beaming.
I would later learn that he put me on that morning flight because Katy was flying to New York that afternoon. I know this because she posted photos of them on a carriage ride in Central Park. When I found the photos on her Facebook page, a year later, it was stamped with the date, the same date I left New York. When I confronted him with this photo he said she showed up unexpectedly, but he had asked her to leave. This made me laugh, did he ask her to leave in a horse carriage? By the giant smile on both of their faces in the photo, it sure as hell didn’t look like she was leaving.
Then and there, as I laid in bed a year later, I decided to make every effort to be happy. When I returned to LA, from Aspen, I still held a small bit of hope that Sam and I would date. He didn’t call and after day two of him knowing I was home and not calling I assumed he wasn’t interested, so I deleted his number from my phone. I didn’t want to be tempted to text him or call him. Three days later he called, and since he wasn’t listed in my phone I didn’t recognize the number and answered the phone. Had I known it was him, I would have screened and let it go to voicemail.
He seemed a bit offended when I asked who it was; that made me feel a little bit better. He made mostly small talk except to tell me he was in the airport and thinking of me. I was so over it at this point. It was just additional proof to me that everything was all about him. I was so sick of this type of selfish man, but the real question as, why did I keep dating them?
Single & Stylish
*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.
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