As my departure date for my trip to Portugal grew closer I was literally counting down the days until I would see Andrew again. I started writing in my journal as if I was writing letters to him and it became a day-by-day countdown. I was excited, nervous, excited again and scared out of my mind. Since our first email exchange I had really fallen for him and since he left to go home I was able to romanticize every text, email, skype and phone call we had. I never been with a man that made me feel that special- ever.
It felt great, but it also filled my head with so many questions. I knew that if this relationship moved forward Andrew was never going to move back to the United States (this is something he had made clear) which could only mean I would have to move to Portugal. In turn that would mean I would need to learn the language, learn to drive in another country, have babies in another country and live 5000 miles away from my family and friends. No matter how much we talked about things or how many plans I made in my head more questions would come up; Would I be able to work? Would I have to get a new cell phone? Would we live in his family home? How would I make friends? Would anyone visit me? It was very clear that if that was the path we took I would be giving up everything for a man I loved. I may have never felt so special in my life but giving up everything for a man I was in love with was very familiar to me.
My 35th birthday was upon me and I was in the Bahamas for Miss Teen USA, heading to Mexico the next day (on my actual birthday). As the clock struck midnight in Lisbon Andrew called to tell me Happy Birthday- it was the best gift I had been given in a long time. I couldn’t get over how thoughtful it was, he timed it so that he would call me when it was my birthday where he was. I was on cloud nine that night as I toasted my birthday and went for a midnight swim in the Caribbean with friends. The next morning I woke up to find a text from him as well. “I’m so in love with you. I want you with me.” In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him.
I packed my bags and headed to Mexico with a huge smile on my face. About an hour after I landed in Cancun I got a call from James, he was the friend that had set Andrew and I up, but later admitted he never thought it would go further than a fun weekend. “Happy Birthday” he shouted into the phone as I answered. I said thank you and then his tone changed, “I talked to Andrew yesterday.” “Yesss….” I said. “I just want to make sure you know what you are doing, are you sure you are not going too fast?” He questioned. “Why are you saying this? What exactly did he say to you?” I asked. “Nothing specific but from what I gather you two are making plans for the future and getting serious fast, just be careful” he warned. I, of course, was taken back by his call. I kept thinking about what Andrew must have really said and why James was suddenly so concerned. I downplayed it trying not to sound defensive and re-assure James that I handle on things. I told him that I knew exactly what I was doing and that he had nothing to worry about. The reality was that I had no clue what I was doing, it was like flying an airplane with a blindfold on.
That night I wrote in my journal;
“Being with you is like being addicted to drugs or alcohol- I can’t help it. “
“Andrew you make me feel special and you make me feel loved from half way around the world- I can only imagine how you will make me feel when I am at your side and in your arms in 18 days. I am a bit worried I will be overwhelmed and never leave.”
Ack! I was so wrapped up in him it made me write in Hallmark card speak. Just reading that entry back made me want to throw up- it was so cheesy!
Mexico was fantastic and when I got back to LA I had six days before leaving for New York and Portugal. I was obsessed with packing the moment I got home. I had to find the cutest casual farm wear, workout wear and lingerie possible. I had it in my mind that I needed lots and lots of lingerie. I needed to shop, organize and pack! Due to the cobblestone streets and all of our downtime we would have he had warned me about bringing too many pairs of heels, none was actually the number he suggested- Hahaha. All said and done I ended up taking 2 pairs of heels and more lingerie than one person could possibly wear in two and half weeks! It sounded so perfect, downtime for me on a farm located in a village outside of Lisbon with the sexiest man I had ever met! Heaven.
In the midst of all my faux romance bliss the reality was that I was still going through a divorce. I was trying to not lean on Andrew or involve him in any way. My relationship with him was my escape from real life and I enjoyed not talking about the drama going on in my life. My husband was in the serious mind fuck stage and it was painful on a daily basis, needless to say it was taking a toll on me. My emotions were up and down, one minute I was on top of the world feeling loved and special and the next I felt like I had been run over by a truck. It was hard at times to wrap my brain around roller coaster I was on. Deep down I knew that I was in a huge transitional state and not in a place to make any promises to anyone or any big decisions about my life. I also knew that once I was with Andrew things would be easier and more complicated at the same time.
Three days until I would arrive in Portugal I woke up to an email from him expressing his “fears.” This is not a word he had ever used in front of me, I didn’t know how to react. His fear were not fears about me specifically but more about his (and what I thought at the time, my) future. Andrew was a typical guy in the sense that he wanted to have his life figured out before he made next steps, one foot in front of the other and keeping all the plates spinning in the air. In a small way I was jealous. He was focused, knew exactly what he wanted in life and had a plan to get it. I, on the other hand, was swimming. I appreciated his honesty and felt good about the fact he was opening up and being honest.
It was only 2 days until I was leaving and I was about to come out of my skin with anticipation. The night before I left LA I had dinner scheduled with James. I told him straight out I was not going to be lectured all night about how I was moving too fast. I explained that I was going on this trip with zero expectations (which was a total lie). I was scared and excited and I decided to just jump in and see where it was going to take me. He agreed easily, decided to stop the lecture train and enjoy the meal.
Journal Entry 8/10
“I have to admit, I do think I am getting wrapped up in talking about our future because it feels so good. I hope you know I say exactly how I feel.“
After a successful press event in New York, I arrived at Newark airport with a clean face and dressed for my overnight flight (aka Lululemon). I got lucky and scored the entire exit row to myself. Dim cabin lights, a Benadryl and I was fast asleep. I needed to arrive looking as refreshed as possible! I had packed a cute dress in the top of my luggage and the plan was to change in the bathroom before I walked out of customs. As the plane started to descend for arrival I slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply a bit of makeup. In case you have never attempted this you should note that it is very difficult to try and feel sexy after you get “ready” in an airplane bathroom, especially in coach.
As the plane touched down my stomached dropped, what the hell was I thinking? I just flew thousands of miles to spend 3 weeks in a foreign country with a guy I knew for seven days. What if he was some crazy person? What if he was going to tie me up in his barn and have his way with me? What if he was selling me into white slavery??? All of these horrible scenarios went through my head, mainly because they were questions my mother had asked me before I left! I figured it was a little too late to be worrying and my life was already like a Dateline story so what were the chances of something else crazy happening?
I got my luggage and headed to the ladies’ room to change. I was not the only woman in the bathroom changing, but I was the only one speaking English. I looked in the mirror, applied a tiny bit of lip gloss, ran a brush through my hair, took a deep breath, gave myself a pep talk in the mirror and walked out. I got through customs with no issues and walked out to where everyone waits for his or her arriving party. I have always had an irrational fear of landing at the airport and no one being there to pick me up so I searched the crowd for his face and said a tiny prayer that he had actually shown up!
Single & Stylish,
I have a small lingerie addiction. Nothing feels sexier than wearing something pretty everyday. Here are a few of my favorites!
P.S. Sorry for the late post, I had a few technical difficulties today!
*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.
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