The Shit Had Hit The Fan.

Once Sam and I were back in LA I decided that if I didn’t tell anyone about my “incident” then it didn’t really happen. Yep, that theory seemed rational to me. So, I told no one. It didn’t even occur to me, at the time; that maybe stuffing things down and not talking about them was how I got to this point in the first place. I went about my business, and when anyone asked me how the trip was, I only discussed how much fun we had and how beautiful it was. It was true; we had an unbelievable amount of fun and details of the trip were not anyone else’s business. Let’s just say my next therapy appointment couldn’t come soon enough. I hadn’t seen Sabrina in several weeks, and I had become paranoid I would have another outburst. You know one of those funny incidents that take place in a romcom; suddenly the woman, usually played by Katherine Hiegl or Jennifer Anniston, are in line at Starbucks and the next thing you know she screaming at a 17 year old barista because he asks her to repeat her order. She starts blubbering on and on about how no one listens to her! Yes, I was afraid that was going to be me.

The next day as I sat in front of my therapist she started with her usual question, “so, how have you been?” I immediately started in with what had happened, “well, I had an incident… I went crazy.” As I went on to tell her the story her facial expression changed appropriately with the drama. I told her about all of the sweet surprises and how he spoiled me. How we talked and laughed and then when I got to the part about me screaming at Sam, she went into her ‘straight non-judgment’ face. I finished the story and waited for a reaction. “I am a bit surprised this has not happened before now,” she said. What? She knew this was going to happen and hadn’t told me? I could have prepared; I could have warned people, I could have not left my house- I thought to myself. “Wait, what do you mean you are surprised this hasn’t happened before now?” I asked. She continued, “Yes. Keylee, you have been through a very traumatic event with a man who had promised you loyalty until death do you part. You cannot expect just to go on with your life like nothing has happened without properly dealing with it.” I hated when she used my name; it wasn’t like when Jaxton used it (which he did all the time and I loved), no when she used it, I felt like I was in trouble.

In other words, my therapist was telling me; shit had hit the fan. My inner psyche was coming out whether I wanted her to or not. I suddenly had two questions, “when will she come out again?” and “how do I keep her quite?” Sabrina looked at me with a slight smile and said, “I wish it were that easy.” After we walked through every detail of the trip and what led up to this outburst I discovered that sadly I was right. The cause was a combination of things but mostly it was the fact that I was married to a man with a double life. I had a unique situation, and it wasn’t as simple as a divorce or a breakup, it was so much more, so much deeper. Not that breakups or divorce is ever simple, but I was learning this was a special case! It was one of those situations that I knew the reality of, but I didn’t really “know” the reality. Some days I am still not sure I know! Ugh, was all I could think. I can’t believe I had to deal with this sadistic man in my life, and now I have to deal with the fall out on my own mental state- NOT FAIR!

The next day Sam called to find out if I had dinner plans. I was shocked he even called. I don’t think I would have called me after such an un-rational outburst. Since I did not have any plans other than laundry I agreed to dinner, he said to meet him at the Mondrian Hotel for dinner. Once I was back from my trip, I dived into work and hadn’t seen Sam since the car dropped me at home from the airport. I was excited that he called, and I was looking forward to spending time together on dry land. I had known him for ten years, we had a blast together, he spoiled me rotten, and we liked all of the same things AND he still wants to see me after my emotional outburst…. I wanted to see if this could go somewhere!

As I was sitting on Sunset Blvd at a stoplight, I got a text from Sam, seeing his name on my phone made my heart sink. Was he canceling? I had the thought then banished it out of my head, why was I so negative? I had been trained not to believe people would follow through but, I had no reason to think that about Sam- I refused to project my shit on him. I decided to solve this mental dilemma and just read the freaking text, “we are eating dinner upstairs, give the desk your name when you arrive.” I don’t remember that hotel having a restaurant upstairs, thought to myself. I left my car with the valet and walked to the concierge desk I gave my name, and Sam’s name and the gentleman behind the desk handed me a room key. I was puzzled but per my usual pattern of behavior, I just went with it. As I arrived at the top floor and knocked on the door, Sam answered and promptly gave me a kiss as he held his iPhone away from his face. While he finished up his call I walked around the room, he had booked a beautiful penthouse for us to have “dinner.”

Looking out over the lights of LA while we finished a bottle of wine, and our delicious dinner Sam began to discuss his upcoming travel plans. He had work coming up but also wanted to travel for fun; New York, twice next month, Miami, Chicago, possibly Europe. Everything he spoke about was grand in scale and full of adventure. It is no secret that I am a girl that loves grand things and adores adventures. When I suggested that our next date be a night in at his house where we could cook dinner and open a great bottle of wine, he was a bit surprised and not very into the idea. I wanted to see him in a real setting, talk about real things; current events, work, friends, etc. Being with Sam was one of those experiences that made you feel like were on a roller coaster. It was exciting, thrilling, and made your stomach flip, but you never knew when it would come to a screeching halt. No Ferris wheel, no carousel, no kiddie rides, just a great big crazy roller coaster- he was all about the wow factor. Don’t get me wrong, I love the roller coaster- I had lived on a roller coaster for the past six years and in a lot of ways the ride seemed totally normal to me. Life was all about the ups, downs, and the thrilling moments- sadly the part I most familiar with was when the ride flew completely off the rails and crashed. When Sam couldn’t agree to a “regular date” or quite night at home…. I got the distinct feeling that is where this was heading; off the rails. How could any relationship sustain this?

The next morning I woke up next to Sam and it was nice. As we waited for breakfast I jumped in the shower and tried to make it appear that I was not that girl who was walking out of a hotel at 8 am in the same clothes she wore the night before. Sam and I had a lovely, yet brief, morning, said our goodbyes, and set out to begin our days. I ran home to change clothes before heading to the office; we were casual but showing up in clothing from the night before was pushing the limits, even for me.

Sinlge & Stylish,

xx Keylee

You don’t always know when you are going to spend the night away from home, but you can always be, at least, a little prepared!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.