Did He Just Invite Himself?

I held off writing Sam back until the morning after we landed in LA.

“I am good, just got back from Paris. How are you?”

After I had slept in to combat my jetlag, I got up to unpack and run some errands. My apartment desperately needed fresh flowers and food!

The next day a package arrived at the office, I had no idea what I had ordered but I was happy to open it! As I opened the box I could tell, it wasn’t something I ordered, but something sent to me- a gift. It was from Peter, an early Valentines Day gift. The card was sweet, and when I open the box my mouth dropped to the floor. He had seen on my blog a handbag I had posted, the “it” bag of the moment, the Rag & Bone pilot bag. This amazing, beautiful bag was mine? Later that day a dozen heart and love themed decorated cupcakes arrived at the office as well.

I immediately called Peter, “Wow, thank you, but it is too much!” I said, of course, thinking how perfect it was! He was kind, sweet and very excited I liked the bag.

An hour later I get a text from Sam, “Are you still going to Aspen for Presidents Day weekend? I think I will come too!” Wait, what? I thought. Why would he come to Aspen on that weekend? How did he even remember I was going?

“Who are you coming with?” I asked. “No one, I figure we could hang out… I miss you.” Awe, I wanted to believe that he missed me, what a romantic gesture. We would have so much fun in the mountains playing in the snow! He was full of bullshit, but at that moment I ate it right up!

The next day Jaxton called to ask me out for Valentines Day. WTF was going on, was mercury in retrograde? It was like the ghost of boyfriends past were all coming back to haunt me! Sadly I would be in Aspen on Valentines Day, and now it looked like I would most likely be spending it with Sam and my friends. Jaxton rarely called me, and he never had asked me out for Valentines Day, I was sad I wouldn’t be home to see him.

My thoughts quickly turned to the fact that I hadn’t seen Sam in a few months and after eating my way through Paris I had one week to get my body back…. Totally doable- right? That night after work, I went to the gym before meeting a girlfriend out for sushi. After my workout I was feeling awesome; I had really sweated it out. I grabbed a towel and jumped in the shower.

Now a women’s locker room is always an interesting place and a women’s locker room in an LA posh gym is even more interesting! Some women have no shame and choose to walk around totally naked. Some pose in the mirror with no tops on and pretend to be fixing their hair, some try and cover their bodies with as many towels as possible. Then course there is Janice Dickenson shaving her lady bits by the sinks. Not kidding at all, it is an image I will never get out of my head.

I am somewhere in between. I have always loved my body, ok not always, but big or small it was mine and once I was in my thirties I decided I should be nice to her. I get out of the shower and squeeze my hair out. I would usually put on my underwear and walk to get some body lotion, but in my jetlag haze I didn’t bring a fresh pair. No biggie I thought, I will just go commando to dinner. Just as I rounded the corner of the lockers to get some body lotion, I see her. My one “would, coulda, shoulda” guys’ new fitness model child bride. I was stark naked, with extra of me around the middle, and she was a twenty-something fitness model who was dressed in a very chic outfit applying lip-gloss and adjusting her perfectly messy bun in the mirror. They lived in Chicago, why was she even in my locker room??? She had never been a big fan of mine, though I had only met her once or twice, and after a sly smile she turned on her heels and walked out, looking over her shoulder at me as she rounded the corner. I wanted to cry, but instead I just started hysterically laughing. I am sure everyone else in the locker room was convinced I was sharing pills with Janice Dickenson and had lost it, but at that moment if I didn’t laugh I would have cried and I had made vow to myself to not cry at the gym anymore.

She was married to my college love, Mark. He was my “one that got away,” even though I broke it off with him. I try not to have regrets in my life but if I had one, breaking up with him was it.

As I packed for Aspen, I felt myself getting excited and nervous that I would see Sam. I had not introduced a guy to my friends since I had left my marriage. In Aspen, I wouldn’t’ be able to avoid it. I packed the usual amounts of jeans, boots, cashmere, fur and a few things just in case I decided to ski. I also slipped in a few sexier pieces just in case I needed them.

I landed on a Wednesday, and Sam wouldn’t arrive until Friday afternoon, so it was the perfect time for me to settle in and see friends. After a boozy rosé lunch one afternoon the girls decided to go shopping. The new Rag & Bone store had opened and I just happened to stumble wonder in. After a few moments of wondering around I laid my eyes on the most perfect pair of leather pants I had ever seen. As I slipped them on I knew, I was in heaven. They fit like a glove, and my ass looked amazing! I had to have them. One issue; the price. I wasn’t really in a position to pay that much for a pair of pants; it was a half of my monthly rent! After a few moments, I had rationalized myself into the pants.

The next day Sam arrived into town and text me the moment he landed.

“I am here, what’s the plan?” He text.

“I will be at après later, meet me there?” I text. I didn’t want to seem too anxious.

I arrived at après the appropriate amount of late and walked in with a group of friends. I was a bit nervous to see him, and it bugged me. My friends and I went to the bar, I spotted him as moved across the room but didn’t didn’t let him know. He moved toward me at the bar and smiled. Once I saw him, I couldn’t help but show my excitement.

After several rounds of drinks, we decided to clean up and go for sushi. Couple friends of mine were game, and I was excited for Sam to know them. I rushed home, showered and threw on my sexy Wolford tights with my favorite long sleeve ALC dress and headed to dinner. I was determined not to be an easy get that night, but it didn’t hurt to make him want it.

Dinner was amazing, Sam ordered a fabulously expensive sake. We ate sushi till we were going to burst, danced at a club, at the end of the night I said goodbye and went home.

Sam wanted to ski the next day and even though I was totally inept I said yes because I had an invite for lunch at the top of the mountain and could bring a guest. After lunch, I told Sam I would meet him at the bottom. He was a much better skier than I, and it made me even more nervous to have someone watch me while I took my time. By the end of the day, we were skiing together more, and it was perfect. After the we skied down during the last run of the day we went straight to après and had a drink! We had dinner plans that night as well so again; I went back to the house I was staying at; showered and changed. Only this time I decided to give my new leather pants a run. We were invited to a big group dinner, and though I was nervous about taking Sam, it was fun! He was interesting, funny, the right amount of attentive and made everyone at the table adore him. I am sure I was beaming. Soon after my 100th glass of wine, not a real number.. I am just estimating. We decided again went dancing and then decided to have one more drink….at his hotel. Needless to say I got to experience three-move man again and the next morning my walk of shame home in a full-length mink coat was not my proudest moment. I left his hotel early in the hopes to not run into anyone I knew. When I arrived at the home, my plan was to sneak in and get a few more hours of sleep. As I sat in the mudroom taking off my shoes and coat, my friend Ted walked up the stairs. Ted was a very close friend, almost like a brother.

“Where are you going this early?” He asked.

Before I could even make up a good excuse, a huge smile came over his face as he looked at me from head to toe (realizing I was wearing the same thing as last night).

“What?!?” I said defensively. Which only made me blush and look super guilty.

“Are you just coming in?” He said with a huge grin.

I removed my shoes, looked at him with a slight smile and said, “wouldn’t you like to know?” I walked down the stairs to my room and went back to sleep.

Single & Stylish

xx Keylee

The only thing I do not like living in Los Angeles is our lack of seasons! I have a lot of sweaters, boots, and coats that never get the wear they deserve. This time of year is my weakness, all the fabulous winter favorites go on sale!!! Here are a few things that are perfect for a mountain getaway or just enjoying brisk weather!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

He Was With Me, Thinking Of Her.

I woke up the next morning feeling great; I jumped out of bed and got ready for work. Though our office was very small, it was rare when I didn’t get ‘dressed’ for work. I put on a dress, pair of heels, my face and headed out the door. We were at the start of our busy season, and I knew the long days, and nights were just around the corner.

When I got to work I had an email from United airlines reminding me about my flight to Portugal that I had put on hold. Andrew had still not confirmed with me if those dates worked so I would need to follow up with him again, which was not something I wanted to do. Red Flag warning!

I put together a sweet yet direct email:

“Hi, I hope you are having a great day. I got a reminder from United about my ticket that is on hold. Any update on your end if those dates work? Can’t wait to see you again! Xoxo, Keylee”

An hour later I had no response. Two hours later I had no response. Three house later I had no response. I had my one cigarette for the day and after lunch still had no response. I decided to shoot him a text, maybe the internet ate my email and it never made it all the way to Portugal…. That totally happens all the time, right?

“How is your day? Did you get my email?”

No response. Finally, about an hour after I sent the text message I got a response; “Sorry it has been a crazy day, let’s talk about your ticket tomorrow.” Well, it wasn’t exactly the warm fuzzy response that I was looking for but at least I knew that by tomorrow, I would have a plan. I started to get a bit excited at the thought of seeing Andrew again and couldn’t wait to visit Portugal in the fall.

The next day I was so swamped with production plans, program books, planning our orientations and coordinating my next New York trip that I wasn’t even thinking about boys; it was so refreshing! Of course, once I discovered that I wasn’t thinking about boys, then all I thought about was boys. As I sat at my desk eating lunch, most likely catching up with everyone on Facebook, my phone rang. “Hey Sam,” I answered. He made small talk for a moment and then he finally asked. “So, I was thinking, we should have dinner next week.” “You were? Is this your way of asking me out on a date?” I teased him. “Yes, I am asking you on a date to have dinner with me,” he said. “How about next Thursday are you available?” Of course, I was available, I rarely made plans more than 5 minutes in advance. “Sure, I think that will work,” I answered. “Great, I will be traveling for work, is that okay?” He said. Huh? “Why would you ask me to have dinner with you if you are not in town and you are traveling?” I said getting slightly defensive, was this a joke to him?

“I was thinking,” he continued “you could fly and meet me, and we could have dinner there.” “Where is there?” I asked. He continued talking without even acknowledging my question. “Well, if you could clear your schedule for the whole weekend we could just stay and have some fun.” “WHERE?” I asked again. “Don’t worry about where, text me your birthday and full name and I will take care of it all. I need to run into a meeting I will call you later! Glad you said yes!” He said as he hung up the phone.

I was so utterly confused and excited at the same time. It was so mysterious, surely he was going to give me more details when he called back. He couldn’t expect me to go on a trip and have no idea where I was going. Either way it would be an adventure so I was game! Suddenly my stomach sank, Andrew. Agreeing to have dinner with an old friend was one thing but agreeing to go to a mysterious location with a guy for a whole weekend was something entirely different. I decided to wait a bit; I didn’t need to tell him anything right away, who knew if this trip would even happen. Andrew called me later that day and left me a message saying that we needed to talk. When I heard his message, I knew what he wanted to talk about and from the tone of his voice I knew what his heart was saying. We were done.

I called Andrew back, and I was right. He finally admitted what I had known for weeks; he didn’t want me to come visit. Well, according to him he did want me to come but he just wasn’t really ready for it. Whatever. He needed some time alone and some space. Space? That was the word he was going to use, really? I lived over 5000 miles away, how much fucking space did he need? I was hurt, shocked, and pissed off. Our awkward conversation was basically over and just growing more awkward by the second and I just needed to get off the phone! So I did, he followed up with a text saying that he felt bad about the way our call ended and later that day I followed up with an email. Email was how we had met, and it was still one of our best ways of communication.

Email to Andrew, September 2012

“I agree our call today did not go great and not at all the way I thought it would. I was honest when I said I am disappointed but more than that I think it was just hard to hear that you don’t want me to come visit- it defiantly hurts. I am sad. I thought we were more on the same page and both wanted to explore what we have further- this obviously can not happen if we have a relationship built on text and a weekly skype call. I know you are busy and stressed and need time to yourself, but I think you and I operate in very different ways. I am not really in any position to take time off working and charge another plane ticket but I wanted nothing more than just that if it meant I got to spend time with you and I already had worked it all out to make it happen. I guess I am just a hopeless romantic and after what I have been through I would do anything for love, which even as I type it sounds like a silly 16 year old. You are correct that I have a lot going on in my personal life and it doesn’t look like it is going to be over any time soon but that is life, there will always be something going on that is not ideal. I refuse to let my past take up one more second of my future and it in no way has anything to do with how I feel about you or how I will lead my life. I am not sure if you are even aware of it but I felt you begin to pull away when I was in Portugal and had no idea what to do about it. I have said from the beginning that I would never make you a promise I couldn’t keep but what I also can not do is set myself up for disappointment and hurt, I truly do not think my heart could take it right now and I feel you not wanting me to come visit is a pretty clear message weather you realize it or not. One thing I have learned in life and through all the relationships I have had is that you should never ignore the signs, no matter how much it hurts. You said in your text tonight that you feel you have taken something away from me, the only thing you have taken away was my excitement about the trip and spending more time with you exploring our intense connection but you were just being honest. I will be fine, I always am. It is really pathetic to say but I have learned to expect disappointment in these situations, something I am trying to change. kss”

The day of my mysterious dinner date with Sam was growing closer, and I still had no idea where I was going. Sam loved surprises, and he was keeping his mouth shut on this one. My instructions from him were this; A driver will pick you up on Wednesday at noon and take you to LAX, pack only a few things for warm weather, whatever you don’t have we can buy!

Was he for real? I was immediately panicked, as a stylist, packing for an unknown destination made me sweat! So of course I packed something for every situation I could think of and trieded my best to make it all fit! That morning I got an email back from Andrew. We had exchanged several, but this was when the truth finally came out.

“…There’s something we haven’t discussed since you were here, and that I need to talk about. Its been wearing on me to the point that I just don’t think its fair of me to keep it in any longer. When you were here I told you how I was sometimes looking for you and right when I was about to call out your name, that the name of my ex would come to mind instead. Over the last few weeks, its become clear to me that I am still very hurt by her and I having split, and ultimately, that I have unresolved feelings for her. Its not fair.”

This hit home for me, I couldn’t believe he almost called me another woman’s name! I literally had no time to think about it my car was picking me up in a half an hour, and I still hadn’t shut my suitcase. The good news is I now felt zero guilt about going on the trip with Sam! I finally closed my suitcase and was ready to go when my phone rang. I assumed it was Sam making sure I will still coming, I was half right. “Don’t forget to grab your passport,” he said. “Seriously? Are you kidding me?” I asked. “Maybe I am but wouldn’t you hate to need it and not have it?” He answered back. I could hear him smiling through the phone as we hung up- he loved the suspense. I grabbed my passport and walked outside, and the driver was standing outside the town car, he opened the door and took my bag. As we pulled away, I asked the driver “do you know where we are going?” “LAX, that is all I know,” he said.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

Packing can be a little stressful, especially when you do not know your destination! I have developed a few key items that I take just about everywhere. Check them out, they will work for you too!

What are your must have items for travel???


*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.



It Was Something I Had Never Done Before.

He was there, whew!  Waiting at the airport outside customs, he was there looking oh so handsome in a tight black t-shirt and loose jeans.  What I remember most was the great big smile he had when we finally made eye contact.  At that moment, all the nervousness and anxious feelings just melted away!  We had a brief Love Actually type makeout session in the airport and headed to his car.  Andrew needed to run and an errand to straighten out his motorcycle registration and the government office that handles these things is open about 4 hours a week so that was our first order of business.  It was hot, crowded and boring, but I didn’t care.  We were together and it gave us time to talk while he was waiting his turn to be called by the women behind the small window.  Everything in Lisbon was 100% different than LA and I found it interesting and beautiful.

I was a bit overwhelmed by the time we got to the house.  The “village “ he lived in was just that, literally a village.  The church in the middle of town, two elderly men playing chess outside the tiny market, a few buildings making up the town square and lots of beautiful flowers everywhere.  The streets were so narrow it seemed impossible for two cars to pass each other and all of the housing was built directly up to the road.  It was as if you stuck your head out the front door to look around a passing car could rip right it off.  As we turned down a path we came to large metal gates, that had a plastic bag hanging on them. Andrew stops the car grabs the bag and opens the gates… it was magical.  When he came back to the car I learn that the bag is the daily bread delivery.  An elderly woman who lives in the village bakes and delivers bread each day.

As we drove through the gates I was speechless; orchards, a stone barn that was at least 300 years old, a few smaller stone buildings scattered throughout the property, pool on the lawn, the house was a mix of new construction and hundreds of years of history, and rolling hills as far as the eye could see.  The only thing missing was a unicorn grazing in the backyard!  After a quick tour of the property, I was anxious to take a shower (not by myself) and lie down for a nap.  I unpacked my things and slept like a baby.  When I woke I found Andrew in the kitchen preparing dinner.  The kitchen was in the bottom floor of the house and was very small, event he refrigerator was tiny.  We ate outside in the downstairs courtyard at a big table, his two employees joined us that night as they were living in the house as well for a couple of months while working on a project.  The food was so fresh and everything tasted different, it was delicious!

Mornings were my favorite; waking up next to Andrew, making tea and sitting on the porch with my laptop and the most incredible view I had ever seen.  It took me a few days to adjust to the time change, but almost no time at all to adjust to him.  That day we picked fruit in the orchard and went for a run.  As we ran through the hillside he filled me in on all the history, one of the bridges had been there since basically the beginning of time and Roman soldiers had marched across it.  To think I got excited when my apartment complex, that was built in the 1950’s, achieved historical status!  Once I met Andrew I quickly learned that Portuguese were very proud people and the only thing they loved more than the history of their country was talking about it!

The next night we went to out to dinner, I, of course, had no idea what to order but said as long as it was seafood I was happy.  I noticed Andrew was a bit moody and it was a side of him I didn’t like.  After dinner as he and his employees, yes they were with us as well, ordered desserts I asked for another glass of wine.  Andrew looked at me crossly and made a point of telling me that in Portugal they rarely serve wine by the glass, wine was to be drunk at dinner.  I looked at him and said, “In America we are allowed to drink wine whenever we like.”  I don’t think that comment made him very happy but I am not one to be talked down to- ever.

At this point, my journal entries are all over the map.  Andrew started pulling away slightly and I had no idea how to react.  I was in a foreign country staying at his home and he was pulling away from me.  What the fuck was I going to do?  I decided to do what grown-ups do, I talked to him about it.  Quickly I realized that guy who spew bullshit are not just located in Los Angeles but all over the world.  I got the canned excuse basically saying he was very sorry and he was so happy I was there, but he was stressed out about his latest work project and knowing that his family was coming to visit.  He then said the one thing that made me want to slap him, “I am happy you are here, but it does add pressure and stress to my day.” “Let me get this straight.  YOU invited me to come visit and now I am stressing YOU out?” I asked while not trying to sound too angry.  After a brief exchange and listening to him back pedal I decided I would go for a run.  During my run, I got super emotional and started crying… this is when I decided to walk.  What on earth was I doing? Why did I even decide to come here?  As I got back to the house Andrew was waiting for me with an apology.  He felt bad that we had fought.  I accepted his apology and thought well, we just had our first fight!  The truth was I loved him, call it lust or extreme happiness that I was finally feeling happy, but I loved him.

I kept asking him if there were things I could do around the house, I wanted to be helpful and to be honest I was bored!  I need to wash my workout clothes so I offered to do a bit of his laundry.  I figured out the washer and when it was done couldn’t find the dryer.  I went into the office to ask where it was, he started laughing.  He said” go outside the kitchen door and it is around the side of the house.“  I didn’t know why he was laughing so I turned and went to grab the wet clothes.  I figured it was outside due to an exhaust issue or something, the house was hundreds of years old after all.  As I walked around the corner of the old stone structure I didn’t see a dryer…. I saw a clothesline.  What??? He still hangs all of his laundry?  I get that the house is old and everything is made of stone and basic but no dryer???  I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry or laugh.  I picked up the small basket of pins and decided to just go with the flow.  So for the first time in my life I hung laundry.

The next day we went into Lisbon, just the two of us.  I was so excited to spend time alone with him and as we drove around the city I was fascinated with all the graffiti art, architecture, and people.  We pulled into an underground parking garage and as I got out of the car Andrew grabbed me, pushed me against the wall and started kissing me- then he really started kissing me.  Before I knew it we were in a full on makeout session.  He carried me behind the jeep and started to slide my dress up, I was suddenly so happy I had worn a dress!  His hands were all over my body, my heart was racing- it was hot! Soon we heard the elevator ding and knew someone was coming.  I composed myself, tried to wipe the lip gloss that I was sure was all over my face and we headed to the streets to begin our day exploring the city.

We stopped for a romantic lunch at this picturesque café on a cobble stone side street, toward the end of the meal Andrew asked me a question.  “I need to ask you something and you have to promise to be honest,” he said.  I was immediately defensive because I hated the indication that I would ever be dishonest.  “Did you date other men after I left LA?” He asked.  I looked at him as I took a sip of my wine and said “I will never lie to you about anything.  Yes, I did go on a date but he is more of a friend than anything.” I, of course, was talking about my evening with Jaxton.  As the words left my mouth I could see that was not the answer he wanted to hear.  Andrew turned cold, got short with me and asked the waiter for the check.  “What are you so upset about?  I had no idea if I would ever see you again!  We had known each other for a week, we were not serious!” I protested.  As we walked away from the table I grabbed his arm “Hey! Don’t walk away from me!  Andrew, it was not a big deal!” I said trying to convince him.  “It is a big deal to me!  I haven’t dated anyone else since I got back!” He said.  I quickly responded, “If you didn’t want me to date anyone else then we should have talked about!  You not dating anyone is not the same, you live in a village where the average age of the women is 75!” He turned and I could see it in his face, he found my comment funny and he cracked a very small smiled.  I knew he wasn’t happy about what I had told him, but he was trying to at least understand.  We went on about our day shopping and exploring the city, we finally decided to head back to the farm.  I noticed Andrew got off the highway on a different exit then we had entered.  When I questioned him he said he wanted to show me the view from an old windmill at the top of the hill.  I soon found out what he really wanted was to do was finish what we had started in the parking garage.  I hadn’t done that in a car in a very very long time!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

Visiting a city with cobble stone streets, in Europe or elsewhere, is the perfect excuse to give your feet a break and wear flats! These are summer of my favorites this summer!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

When A Dream Becomes Reality.

As my departure date for my trip to Portugal grew closer I was literally counting down the days until I would see Andrew again.  I started writing in my journal as if I was writing letters to him and it became a day-by-day countdown. I was excited, nervous, excited again and scared out of my mind. Since our first email exchange I had really fallen for him and since he left to go home I was able to romanticize every text, email, skype and phone call we had. I never been with a man that made me feel that special- ever.

It felt great, but it also filled my head with so many questions. I knew that if this relationship moved forward Andrew was never going to move back to the United States (this is something he had made clear) which could only mean I would have to move to Portugal. In turn that would mean I would need to learn the language, learn to drive in another country, have babies in another country and live 5000 miles away from my family and friends. No matter how much we talked about things or how many plans I made in my head more questions would come up;  Would I be able to work? Would I have to get a new cell phone? Would we live in his family home? How would I make friends? Would anyone visit me?  It was very clear that if that was the path we took I would be giving up everything for a man I loved. I may have never felt so special in my life but giving up everything for a man I was in love with was very familiar to me.

My 35th birthday was upon me and I was in the Bahamas for Miss Teen USA, heading to Mexico the next day (on my actual birthday). As the clock struck midnight in Lisbon Andrew called to tell me Happy Birthday- it was the best gift I had been given in a long time. I couldn’t get over how thoughtful it was, he timed it so that he would call me when it was my birthday where he was.  I was on cloud nine that night as I toasted my birthday and went for a midnight swim in the Caribbean with friends.  The next morning I woke up to find a text from him as well.  “I’m so in love with you.  I want you with me.”  In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

I packed my bags and headed to Mexico with a huge smile on my face.  About an hour after I landed in Cancun I got a call from James, he was the friend that had set Andrew and I up, but later admitted he never thought it would go further than a fun weekend.  “Happy Birthday” he shouted into the phone as I answered.  I said thank you and then his tone changed, “I talked to Andrew yesterday.”  “Yesss….” I said.  “I just want to make sure you know what you are doing, are you sure you are not going too fast?”  He questioned.  “Why are you saying this? What exactly did he say to you?”  I asked.  “Nothing specific but from what I gather you two are making plans for the future and getting serious fast, just be careful” he warned.  I, of course, was taken back by his call.  I kept thinking about what Andrew must have really said and why James was suddenly so concerned.  I downplayed it trying not to sound defensive and re-assure James that I handle on things.  I told him that I knew exactly what I was doing and that he had nothing to worry about.  The reality was that I had no clue what I was doing, it was like flying an airplane with a blindfold on.

That night I wrote in my journal;

“Being with you is like being addicted to drugs or alcohol- I can’t help it. “

“Andrew you make me feel special and you make me feel loved from half way around the world- I can only imagine how you will make me feel when I am at your side and in your arms in 18 days. I am a bit worried I will be overwhelmed and never leave.”

Ack! I was so wrapped up in him it made me write in Hallmark card speak. Just reading that entry back made me want to throw up- it was so cheesy!

Mexico was fantastic and when I got back to LA I had six days before leaving for New York and Portugal. I was obsessed with packing the moment I got home.  I had to find the cutest casual farm wear, workout wear and lingerie possible.  I had it in my mind that I needed lots and lots of lingerie.  I needed to shop, organize and pack!  Due to the cobblestone streets and all of our downtime we would have he had warned me about bringing too many pairs of heels, none was actually the number he suggested- Hahaha.  All said and done I ended up taking 2 pairs of heels and more lingerie than one person could possibly wear in two and half weeks!  It sounded so perfect, downtime for me on a farm located in a village outside of Lisbon with the sexiest man I had ever met!  Heaven.

In the midst of all my faux romance bliss the reality was that I was still going through a divorce. I was trying to not lean on Andrew or involve him in any way. My relationship with him was my escape from real life and I enjoyed not talking about the drama going on in my life. My husband was in the serious mind fuck stage and it was painful on a daily basis, needless to say it was taking a toll on me.  My emotions were up and down, one minute I was on top of the world feeling loved and special and the next I felt like I had been run over by a truck.  It was hard at times to wrap my brain around roller coaster I was on.  Deep down I knew that I was in a huge transitional state and not in a place to make any promises to anyone or any big decisions about my life.  I also knew that once I was with Andrew things would be easier and more complicated at the same time.

Three days until I would arrive in Portugal I woke up to an email from him expressing his “fears.” This is not a word he had ever used in front of me, I didn’t know how to react. His fear were not fears about me specifically but more about his (and what I thought at the time, my) future.  Andrew was a typical guy in the sense that he wanted to have his life figured out before he made next steps, one foot in front of the other and keeping all the plates spinning in the air.  In a small way I was jealous.  He was focused, knew exactly what he wanted in life and had a plan to get it.  I, on the other hand, was swimming.  I appreciated his honesty and felt good about the fact he was opening up and being honest.

It was only 2 days until I was leaving and I was about to come out of my skin with anticipation. The night before I left LA I had dinner scheduled with James. I told him straight out I was not going to be lectured all night about how I was moving too fast.  I explained that I was going on this trip with zero expectations (which was a total lie).  I was scared and excited and I decided to just jump in and see where it was going to take me. He agreed easily, decided to stop the lecture train and enjoy the meal.

Journal Entry 8/10

“I have to admit, I do think I am getting wrapped up in talking about our future because it feels so good. I hope you know I say exactly how I feel.“

After a successful press event in New York, I arrived at Newark airport with a clean face and dressed for my overnight flight (aka Lululemon). I got lucky and scored the entire exit row to myself. Dim cabin lights, a Benadryl and I was fast asleep.  I needed to arrive looking as refreshed as possible!  I had packed a cute dress in the top of my luggage and the plan was to change in the bathroom before I walked out of customs. As the plane started to descend for arrival I slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply a bit of makeup.  In case you have never attempted this you should note that it is very difficult to try and feel sexy after you get “ready” in an airplane bathroom, especially in coach.

As the plane touched down my stomached dropped, what the hell was I thinking? I just flew thousands of miles to spend 3 weeks in a foreign country with a guy I knew for seven days. What if he was some crazy person? What if he was going to tie me up in his barn and have his way with me? What if he was selling me into white slavery??? All of these horrible scenarios went through my head, mainly because they were questions my mother had asked me before I left! I figured it was a little too late to be worrying and my life was already like a Dateline story so what were the chances of something else crazy happening?

I got my luggage and headed to the ladies’ room to change. I was not the only woman in the bathroom changing, but I was the only one speaking English. I looked in the mirror, applied a tiny bit of lip gloss, ran a brush through my hair, took a deep breath, gave myself a pep talk in the mirror and walked out. I got through customs with no issues and walked out to where everyone waits for his or her arriving party.  I have always had an irrational fear of landing at the airport and no one being there to pick me up so I searched the crowd for his face and said a tiny prayer that he had actually shown up!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

I have a small lingerie addiction. Nothing feels sexier than wearing something pretty everyday. Here are a few of my favorites!

P.S. Sorry for the late post, I had a few technical difficulties today!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.