Wedding Anniversary.

October 8, 2012.

I woke that day feeling like I had an elephant was sitting on my chest. As if Monday mornings weren’t bad enough, I knew this one would be even worse. Today was, excuse me, would have my one-year wedding anniversary. Ideally on this day in a woman’s life she may wake up to find flowers, chocolates, breakfast in bed, jewelry. I woke up to an alarm clock blaring and my phone buzzing like crazy from text messages. Friends and family knew what day it was, and they were just calling to say “hello.” It was sweet of them, but my preference was to forget what day it was and just get on with my life.

My mother called as I was walking out the door for work. “Hi sweetie, its mom. How are you today?” She asked sounding a little bit too perky. “I am fine mom, how are you?” I asked back. “Look sweetie, I know it is going to be a hard day, what are you doing today?” She asked. “Work mom, I am working.” It was true; I wanted to hide under the covers, but I knew that would do me no good, and it just seemed lame.

When I got divorced from my first husband, I threw an “I am not married any more party,” on my wedding anniversary. I also cut all my hair off into a short bob and drank myself silly. I wouldn’t be doing any of that this year. I learned two major things from that experience; A girl with a square face can’t pull off a short bob, and once the hangover wears off you are still getting divorced.

My good friends refused to let me sit and wallow so though I didn’t want a party, I agreed to dinner. I still wasn’t sure where my husband was living; we were not exactly friends at this point. During his phase of trying to win me back, he kept claiming that he was moving to LA. So I was constantly on high alert that I would run into him somewhere. Since he still felt that we should try and “work it out” I decided to have dinner at a club that I belong to. I knew he wasn’t a member, so it drastically lowered my chances of running into him. I also found it a bit poetic since he had me kicked out of the club we belonged to together and then lied about being a member of this club for almost a year. It wasn’t until I became a member that I was able to verify he had been lying… shocking, I know.

The past year had been more turmoil than I had ever experienced, and I was ready to put it behind me. Though I wasn’t technically divorced at the time, I was ready to cleanse the past year out of my energy space.

I decided that I would burn something and since I couldn’t burn the images of him and Katy out of my head, wedding photos seemed like next best thing. Carrie Bradshaw once said that when you are going through a breakup you should, “destroy all photos where he looks sexy, and you look happy.” I decided to do just that; I decided to burn my wedding photos. I loved my wedding photos. My photographer was amazing, expensive but amazing. My husband didn’t feel it was a worthy expense, so I cashed in some stocks to pay for her myself. He would spend $1200 on shoes but wouldn’t pay a top photographer to capture the happiest day of our lives! Looking back I was lucky that we had so many great shots that I had put off picking out which ones I wanted to be blown up until after the holidays and the pageant season were over. I had only had a few smaller prints made to give to our family’s at Christmas. I wanted to make the perfect decision on our big photo since it was something that would hang in our home for years to come.

My best friend had a fire pit, so that evening we poured a glass of wine and grabbed the matches. Standing there over the roaring fire, I felt as if I should say something powerful or meaningful… but nothing came to mind. I took one last look at how happy I was on that day, my face full of hope and love. I said a small prayer to the universe for happiness in my life and chucked them into the flames. The photos lit quickly, throwing a lot of ash into the air, and then they curled and deformed as they burned. It was my first-time burning a photograph. They take a surprising longer time to burn than they do on soap operas. As I sat there watching the “happiest day of my life” go up in flames I felt sad.

At dinner that night as I looked around the table while sipping a fabulous red wine, I felt so blessed. The reason for the dinner was a sad one but even with all the pain and sadness I knew I was beyond lucky. I had such an amazing group of friends. They had supported me every moment of the past nine plus months and I would never forget their kindness. Most of them had been there as I walked down the aisle, and they were still standing with me. When you live 1500 miles away from you biological family you have to pick your local family, and everyone at that table was my family.

Speaking of family; after all this time I had not heard two words from my former “other family”- my in laws. It was mind blowing that they didn’t reach out to me at all. Had they nothing to say to me after their son/ brother had totally betrayed me? Lied to everyone, including them for all the knowledge I had, and they had nothing to say? I had learned not to expect much from them but something along the lines of; “We are sorry this has happened.” Or “I don’t know how we raised such a liar.” Or “Let us at least pay you back for some of the wedding costs.” Hell even a “We never liked you anyway, you deserve all this,” would have at least been some form of communication! They had promised to love me like a daughter at one point, clearly all bets were off. Now, admittedly my family wanted nothing to do with my husband but I had to beg them not to reach out… they had plenty they wanted to say.

After dinner, I went home to my new little life and sat in my bed. I pulled out my journal and tried to write, but I had nothing to say. The numb feeling I had the day I walked out had returned. As I sat there, not crying at all, I started to feel the numbness give way to anger and hurt. I pulled out my laptop and began to compose an email, to my former family. I didn’t want to yell at them or spew anger, but I wanted to say my piece and move on. I thought it was a perfect day for closure!

Logically I should have waited until morning to send an email but instead I hit the send button, turned off my side table lamp and stared at my ceiling. I have no idea how long I lay there, but it seemed like hours. Eventually, I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, the light was filtering in through the large windows that made up an entire wall of my apartment, I began to laugh. I had made it. I survived the past nine months and made it through my frist wedding anniversary-it felt great!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

ps. I am posting this weeks blog from 10,000 feet in the air as I fly back from watching one of my best friends get married. Ah, love! The internet is a little weak on my flight so the fashion lookbook will have to wait till next week!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I Discovered I Had A Bad Habit.

After another incredible, yet over the top, evening with Sam and I was craving some normalcy. I love grand gestures and fun adventures but at the end of the day I am a girl that was raised on a cattle ranch in Kansas. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who had some stability. That was not Sam. My relationship with him was a classic example of; what attracted me to him most was what I ended up not liking about him. Each time I suggested I cook for him or we stay in and order food, he found an excuse to why we should go out. Soon he found an excuse for everything. In my heart, I knew where things with Sam went wrong. I was too available, and he was the type of guy that enjoyed the chase. Yes, I wanted to get married again, but not next week! I have a bad habit that I must now confess; When I am dating someone I really like, I want to be with them. I know, I am an awful person. I make them a priority, and I try to be a good partner by making time and room for them in my life. I know we are all supposed to play the dating game, but I suck at it, and I think it is ridiculous.

This was a man who had admittedly had a crush on me for ten years and now that I was in front of him and available I scared him. “Scared him?” I don’t even know what that means; it is the dumbest excuse I have ever heard. I don’t want a man that spooks that easily (but, as I have found out it is a common excuse for men). After a few canceled dates, I was done and stopped returning his calls. I thought this would be the end of Sam… but is defiantly was not.

My friend Derek and I were at lunch a few days later, and I was filling him in on all the Sam updates, suddenly my phone rang. On cue, it was Jaxton. He wanted to know how I had been and if I wanted to have dinner. YES, abso-fucking-lutly! When I hung up the phone, I had a huge smile on my face. Derek looked at me and laid it out; “you know what your problem with men is?” “No, but I am super interested that you know, please enlighten me,” I said being my usual smart ass self. He continued, “you really need to stop this recycling program.” “What are you talking about?” I asked, being slightly defensive. “You! You recycle all your men. You need to meet new men! All the men you are dating are men from your past!” He said with, what I thought was, a total judgmental tone. Ugh, I hated to admit it, but he was right, I had a bad habit. Wait I thought “Not Andrew, what about Andrew? He was new” I said with great pride. “Oh yeah, because that worked out so well. Were you really about to move to Portugal and hang laundry outside for the rest of you life? I think not.” He was right again, and just the thought of that being my life sent us both into a hysterical fit of laughter… what WAS I thinking?

Jaxton was different though. He wasn’t just a recycled guy; he was Jaxton, my Jaxton. We had a very very long history; he was my happy place and my comfort zone. Sam and I clearly were not serious, not anywhere near exclusive so why would I say no. Technically we weren’t even still seeing each other, and technically I still had a husband. I felt that gave me free will to do whatever felt right go me. At that moment, Jaxton felt right.

The night before my dinner with Jaxton, Sam called again, and he finally got up the nerve to be honest. Well, that’s not exactly true; I confronted him and made him be honest with me. He gave me the “I think we are in different places right now” speech. I found it funny because when we were in Turks and Caicos his version of the same speech was “We are in the same place, and I want the same things.” My, my how a few thousand miles and two weeks can change a mans mind, though I couldn’t agree more. He was in the place of “I am single and have a boat load of cash, so no way do I want to date just one woman.” And I was in the place of “I am a bit fragile and want to date a good guy without getting serious right away.” I decided that if he needed to think that I wanted a serious relationship to make himself feel better about ending it, that was fine by me. If I have learned anything, it is that being in a relationship or even dating someone that has one foot out the door is never going to end on a positive note.

Dinner with Jaxton later that week was everything I expected; romantic, torturous and amazing. We got to reminiscing, which I loved and hated at the same time. I was heading to New York soon for work, and he began talking about a time when he and I were in NY together. He brought up the one memory that I had tried to forget so many times yet was branded clearly into my mind forever.

Many years before I had even met my current nightmare of a husband, Jaxton and I were in New York at the same time. It was the week before Thanksgiving, my favorite time of year in the city. He was there for work, and I was there to see friends.

We decided to meet for dinner, but he needed to make a stop before hand. He was producing the production of a major event and needed to check in on rehearsals. It was our private show; it was a few nights before the big show and no else was watching. This was something very few people will ever see, and it was magical. As we stood there, Jaxton overseeing things and me watching the Broadway dancers hit every mark, I wanted to pinch myself, what little girl doesn’t dream of something like this? Suddenly it started to rain and the next thing I knew we were running through the streets of New York on our way to dinner, ducking in and out of doorways, to avoid getting totally soaked… it was beyond romantic. We had a fantastic dinner, drank great wine, had lots of laughs and then decided to meet up with some friends at a bar. It was a perfect New York night, with the exception of one thing; one of us was not “available.”

I was staying at the Waldorf Astoria, and he was staying on the other side of town. We grabbed a cab, and the first stop was my hotel. The entire lobby was decorated for Christmas; garland on everything that stood still, a giant tree in the lobby covered in glass ornaments, twinkle lights glowing in the dark- it was spectacular. As we stood there we both knew, nothing could happen between us. It wasn’t our time. It wasn’t right. I have never wanted to kiss someone so badly in my life as I did at that moment. Jaxton leaned in, kissed me on the cheek and said goodnight. I stood at the top of the stairs and as he walked away. He stood on the sidewalk as the rain turned to snow looking back though the revolving door. It was a moment right out of the sappiest romcom you have ever seen… but it was real. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life. I wanted to scream out; I wanted to run after him. I couldn’t move. I could do nothing but stand there with my eyes welling up with tears. The doorman hailed him a cab, and he away he went.

Now that I look back I know that was the moment I realized I was truly in love with Jaxton. And now here we were over eight years later at dinner and just by talking about it took me right back to that moment, it still gave me butterflies. The only good thing was that so many years later, we were both available and the night would end very differently!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

Just thinking about New York in the fall makes me excited and I still think it is one of the most romantic city’s in the world! Luckily I am traveling there next week for a friends wedding and this time of year is all about boots and layering!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I Had Found Heaven.

The next morning I woke up from a sleep so deep that for a moment I wasn’t sure where I was. As I blinked my eyes open it was like a dream; huge four poster bed, white linen everywhere, the sun peaking in the wooden pocket doors and the smell of the ocean filling in the air. I was fairly sure that I was in heaven. I grabbed a robe and opened the pocket doors to find Sam on the deck reading the paper on his iPad and enjoying coffee. I had no concept of what time it was and more importantly, I didn’t care. Once again, he had ordered most of the breakfast menu, and I enjoyed my little buffet. As we sat there on the closed in porch, I was itching to jump into the ocean. The water in Turks and Caicos is crystal clear and warm, the type of ocean you want to run and dive in head first. As I said to Sam that I was going to go for a swim, he looked at his watch and said “okay, but make it quick. A cart will be here to pick us up in 20 minutes.” “Oh really?” I asked, “and where are we going in 20 minutes?” “To the spa, we have manicure and pedicure appointments this morning,” he replied with a great big grin. “How wonderful!” I said as bent down to give Sam a kiss, and then ran to change into a swimsuit. I figured I had 10 minutes to swim and 10 to get ready for the spa. Gotta love a man who gets a mani/ pedi.

The water felt amazing and after my quick dip I rinsed off, threw on one of my new sundresses from our shopping spree (I knew Sam would get a kick out of me wearing the things he had bought- plus they were all so fabulous I couldn’t wait to wear them). Just as I put on some lip gloss, Sam yelled that the cart had arrived. Since we had arrived at the resort in the dark, I hadn’t seen anything but the beach. It was breathtaking. The whole island had a Dirty Dancing feel to it; the larger part of the hotel was on the hill, many smaller buildings all around and then the little villa’s on the beach with golf cart paths in between. The landscaping and flora was beautiful and smelled even better, many of the flowers I had never even seen. At the top of the hill, we arrived at a simple building with a long stone entrance; the spa! Little did I know at the time that I would be spending a fair amount of time there. I am not always a fan of spa mani / pedi’s; they are overpriced and take forever but, this time it was so heavenly I just sort of melted into the chair and utterly enjoyed the whole experience.

My spa services took a bit longer than Sam’s so I told him to go ahead, and I would meet him at the pool. It would be the first time since I landed in Miami that I would have a bit of time to myself, and I needed a minute to breathe! After my services, a driver took me back to our villa, and I just collapsed on the couch, let out a huge sigh and took it all in. “Am I really here?” I asked myself. I sat there for a moment longer and then said out loud “yes, you are really here but only for the weekend so get your butt off the couch and go enjoy it!” I threw on my sexiest swimsuit, a new cover-up, flip flops, grabbed my sunscreen and headed to the pool. I found Sam in a lounge chair under an umbrella, on one side of him was sun and the other was shade. As I walked up he said he wasn’t sure which I preferred, sun or shade, so he picked both. It was a really cute gesture and of course I picked the sun. Before I could hardly relax Sam decided it was time for a cocktail, I never have to be talked into a cocktail so I agreed and said, “I will have whatever you are having.” Sam didn’t like to sit still for very long so he got up and walked to the bar. Soon he came back with two drinks in hand, I didn’t even have to ask what it was, I knew it was tequila. After our second cocktail Sam rolled over in his lounge chair and said “I am really glad last night happened.” I was a little taken back by this ‘out of nowhere comment’ but giggled to myself and thought… “yeah, I bet you are!” In reality, I just smiled and said “me too.”

We ordered lunch and just as I thought that I would drift off in the shade for a quick nap a woman showed up and said, “the cart is ready when you are Sam.” I sat up and said, “Where are you going?” He looked at me and smiled, “we are going back to the spa for a massage.” I didn’t think I could handle any more surprises but, the spa twice in one day was a surprise I didn’t mind at all. As Sam walked to take a phone call, I closed out our tab. I was in shock, how could lunch and a few cocktails equal $450? I thought it must be a mistake until I looked at the itemized bill that showed our cocktails were not just cocktails; they were $45 glasses of tequila. It was very typical Sam, so I signed the bill and looked around for him. I wondered who he was talking to for a moment and why he had to walk away. I let it go and walked to the cart. I hadn’t even turned my phone on and I was really good at ignoring emails from my lawyer, I still had not forgiven him for the mix up in court.

During the massage, I drifted into the nap I had been thinking about and afterwards all I wanted to do was get back in the ocean. Sam was up for it and as we walked from our villa to the beach, about 20-30 seconds, we noticed that most of the women were topless on the beach, and some of the people were totally naked. I wasn’t about to get totally naked but when in Rome, I could go topless. We spent the rest of the afternoon on the beach, in the water, talking, laughing, kissing… it was all pretty perfect. I found out things like; Sam still wanted more children (bonus), he had wanted to ask me out for years, he told me about his family and what it was like growing up for him, we talked about our divorces… it was really nice to lay all of it out on the table. After the beach I walked back to the house with the intention of using the little girls room, the big bed looked so heavenly that I grabbed a pillow and thought; I will just close my eyes for a moment, I was so relaxed. Next thing I know Sam was waking me up and hour and half later!

Dinner that night was amazing, the food was fantastic, the wine was even better and the atmosphere was unparalleled. I had found my happy place.

The next day as I woke up, again in what I was still convinced must be heaven, I found Sam with a menu asking me what I wanted for lunch. Lunch? We hadn’t even had breakfast. “Why are we ordering lunch?” I asked. “I charted a boat for the day so we can snorkel and island hop, the resort is going to send us with a picnic, “ he said. I literally squealed with excitement. Boat? Island hopping? Picnic lunch? Everything he just said made me excited! As I slipped into a swimsuit I realized I didn’t have a beach bag of sorts to take on the boat. As I asked Sam if he did, full well knowing he would not, he suggested we run to the gift shop and buy one. “Well, what time does the boat leave?” I asked; I didn’t want to make us late. “Whenever we want it to, it is our boat for the day,” he said with a laugh. Oh, that was a good point. A day on the boat was my favorite time we spent together. Our guides were excellent and took us to the best snorkeling spot, dove down and brought up a HUGE starfish for me to hold (of course we tossed it back), laid out our picnic lunch on the beach and took us to Iguana island- that was not my favorite. I am terrified of lizards and barely got off the boat during that stop.

As we cruised back to the resort, I couldn’t stop smiling. It was the first time in a long time I had not thought of my husband, my divorce, or work. What was this magical feeling I barley recognized? Oh, yeah…. I was happy. I wanted this feeling to last forever!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

On this trip I had forgot my beach bag but this fall the bags are too beautiful to forget! Here are my favorites, with the exception of the Prada Saffiano Cuir Camo bag that I have posted about 100 times.

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Art Of The D Selfie.

Almost everyone woman I know between the ages of 25- 45 has been sent a dick pic at some point in her life, since the invention of the camera phone.  Sometimes women ask for these pictures (sexting) and other times we think we are going to open a photo of a funny quote or cute kitten and all of sudden – WHAM, it’s a penis.  If this is a subject you have discussed over cocktails with your lady friends (or male gay friends), like I have, then you know that just like their subjects these dick selfies can come in all shapes and sizes.  You can actually learn quite a lot about the man attached to the member in the photo. Grooming habits, if they get manicures, how clean is their room, do they have nice sheets, how important is privacy to them, etc., etc.

Comedian Janet Silverman is one of the rare ladies who has never had to joy of receiving one of these elusive photos, until now.  Watching her view a slide show of 89 dick pics is one of the funniest and most relatable things I have seen in a long time.

Enjoy and share with your friends!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee