The Shit Had Hit The Fan.

Once Sam and I were back in LA I decided that if I didn’t tell anyone about my “incident” then it didn’t really happen. Yep, that theory seemed rational to me. So, I told no one. It didn’t even occur to me, at the time; that maybe stuffing things down and not talking about them was how I got to this point in the first place. I went about my business, and when anyone asked me how the trip was, I only discussed how much fun we had and how beautiful it was. It was true; we had an unbelievable amount of fun and details of the trip were not anyone else’s business. Let’s just say my next therapy appointment couldn’t come soon enough. I hadn’t seen Sabrina in several weeks, and I had become paranoid I would have another outburst. You know one of those funny incidents that take place in a romcom; suddenly the woman, usually played by Katherine Hiegl or Jennifer Anniston, are in line at Starbucks and the next thing you know she screaming at a 17 year old barista because he asks her to repeat her order. She starts blubbering on and on about how no one listens to her! Yes, I was afraid that was going to be me.

The next day as I sat in front of my therapist she started with her usual question, “so, how have you been?” I immediately started in with what had happened, “well, I had an incident… I went crazy.” As I went on to tell her the story her facial expression changed appropriately with the drama. I told her about all of the sweet surprises and how he spoiled me. How we talked and laughed and then when I got to the part about me screaming at Sam, she went into her ‘straight non-judgment’ face. I finished the story and waited for a reaction. “I am a bit surprised this has not happened before now,” she said. What? She knew this was going to happen and hadn’t told me? I could have prepared; I could have warned people, I could have not left my house- I thought to myself. “Wait, what do you mean you are surprised this hasn’t happened before now?” I asked. She continued, “Yes. Keylee, you have been through a very traumatic event with a man who had promised you loyalty until death do you part. You cannot expect just to go on with your life like nothing has happened without properly dealing with it.” I hated when she used my name; it wasn’t like when Jaxton used it (which he did all the time and I loved), no when she used it, I felt like I was in trouble.

In other words, my therapist was telling me; shit had hit the fan. My inner psyche was coming out whether I wanted her to or not. I suddenly had two questions, “when will she come out again?” and “how do I keep her quite?” Sabrina looked at me with a slight smile and said, “I wish it were that easy.” After we walked through every detail of the trip and what led up to this outburst I discovered that sadly I was right. The cause was a combination of things but mostly it was the fact that I was married to a man with a double life. I had a unique situation, and it wasn’t as simple as a divorce or a breakup, it was so much more, so much deeper. Not that breakups or divorce is ever simple, but I was learning this was a special case! It was one of those situations that I knew the reality of, but I didn’t really “know” the reality. Some days I am still not sure I know! Ugh, was all I could think. I can’t believe I had to deal with this sadistic man in my life, and now I have to deal with the fall out on my own mental state- NOT FAIR!

The next day Sam called to find out if I had dinner plans. I was shocked he even called. I don’t think I would have called me after such an un-rational outburst. Since I did not have any plans other than laundry I agreed to dinner, he said to meet him at the Mondrian Hotel for dinner. Once I was back from my trip, I dived into work and hadn’t seen Sam since the car dropped me at home from the airport. I was excited that he called, and I was looking forward to spending time together on dry land. I had known him for ten years, we had a blast together, he spoiled me rotten, and we liked all of the same things AND he still wants to see me after my emotional outburst…. I wanted to see if this could go somewhere!

As I was sitting on Sunset Blvd at a stoplight, I got a text from Sam, seeing his name on my phone made my heart sink. Was he canceling? I had the thought then banished it out of my head, why was I so negative? I had been trained not to believe people would follow through but, I had no reason to think that about Sam- I refused to project my shit on him. I decided to solve this mental dilemma and just read the freaking text, “we are eating dinner upstairs, give the desk your name when you arrive.” I don’t remember that hotel having a restaurant upstairs, thought to myself. I left my car with the valet and walked to the concierge desk I gave my name, and Sam’s name and the gentleman behind the desk handed me a room key. I was puzzled but per my usual pattern of behavior, I just went with it. As I arrived at the top floor and knocked on the door, Sam answered and promptly gave me a kiss as he held his iPhone away from his face. While he finished up his call I walked around the room, he had booked a beautiful penthouse for us to have “dinner.”

Looking out over the lights of LA while we finished a bottle of wine, and our delicious dinner Sam began to discuss his upcoming travel plans. He had work coming up but also wanted to travel for fun; New York, twice next month, Miami, Chicago, possibly Europe. Everything he spoke about was grand in scale and full of adventure. It is no secret that I am a girl that loves grand things and adores adventures. When I suggested that our next date be a night in at his house where we could cook dinner and open a great bottle of wine, he was a bit surprised and not very into the idea. I wanted to see him in a real setting, talk about real things; current events, work, friends, etc. Being with Sam was one of those experiences that made you feel like were on a roller coaster. It was exciting, thrilling, and made your stomach flip, but you never knew when it would come to a screeching halt. No Ferris wheel, no carousel, no kiddie rides, just a great big crazy roller coaster- he was all about the wow factor. Don’t get me wrong, I love the roller coaster- I had lived on a roller coaster for the past six years and in a lot of ways the ride seemed totally normal to me. Life was all about the ups, downs, and the thrilling moments- sadly the part I most familiar with was when the ride flew completely off the rails and crashed. When Sam couldn’t agree to a “regular date” or quite night at home…. I got the distinct feeling that is where this was heading; off the rails. How could any relationship sustain this?

The next morning I woke up next to Sam and it was nice. As we waited for breakfast I jumped in the shower and tried to make it appear that I was not that girl who was walking out of a hotel at 8 am in the same clothes she wore the night before. Sam and I had a lovely, yet brief, morning, said our goodbyes, and set out to begin our days. I ran home to change clothes before heading to the office; we were casual but showing up in clothing from the night before was pushing the limits, even for me.

Sinlge & Stylish,

xx Keylee

You don’t always know when you are going to spend the night away from home, but you can always be, at least, a little prepared!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

He Was With Me, Thinking Of Her.

I woke up the next morning feeling great; I jumped out of bed and got ready for work. Though our office was very small, it was rare when I didn’t get ‘dressed’ for work. I put on a dress, pair of heels, my face and headed out the door. We were at the start of our busy season, and I knew the long days, and nights were just around the corner.

When I got to work I had an email from United airlines reminding me about my flight to Portugal that I had put on hold. Andrew had still not confirmed with me if those dates worked so I would need to follow up with him again, which was not something I wanted to do. Red Flag warning!

I put together a sweet yet direct email:

“Hi, I hope you are having a great day. I got a reminder from United about my ticket that is on hold. Any update on your end if those dates work? Can’t wait to see you again! Xoxo, Keylee”

An hour later I had no response. Two hours later I had no response. Three house later I had no response. I had my one cigarette for the day and after lunch still had no response. I decided to shoot him a text, maybe the internet ate my email and it never made it all the way to Portugal…. That totally happens all the time, right?

“How is your day? Did you get my email?”

No response. Finally, about an hour after I sent the text message I got a response; “Sorry it has been a crazy day, let’s talk about your ticket tomorrow.” Well, it wasn’t exactly the warm fuzzy response that I was looking for but at least I knew that by tomorrow, I would have a plan. I started to get a bit excited at the thought of seeing Andrew again and couldn’t wait to visit Portugal in the fall.

The next day I was so swamped with production plans, program books, planning our orientations and coordinating my next New York trip that I wasn’t even thinking about boys; it was so refreshing! Of course, once I discovered that I wasn’t thinking about boys, then all I thought about was boys. As I sat at my desk eating lunch, most likely catching up with everyone on Facebook, my phone rang. “Hey Sam,” I answered. He made small talk for a moment and then he finally asked. “So, I was thinking, we should have dinner next week.” “You were? Is this your way of asking me out on a date?” I teased him. “Yes, I am asking you on a date to have dinner with me,” he said. “How about next Thursday are you available?” Of course, I was available, I rarely made plans more than 5 minutes in advance. “Sure, I think that will work,” I answered. “Great, I will be traveling for work, is that okay?” He said. Huh? “Why would you ask me to have dinner with you if you are not in town and you are traveling?” I said getting slightly defensive, was this a joke to him?

“I was thinking,” he continued “you could fly and meet me, and we could have dinner there.” “Where is there?” I asked. He continued talking without even acknowledging my question. “Well, if you could clear your schedule for the whole weekend we could just stay and have some fun.” “WHERE?” I asked again. “Don’t worry about where, text me your birthday and full name and I will take care of it all. I need to run into a meeting I will call you later! Glad you said yes!” He said as he hung up the phone.

I was so utterly confused and excited at the same time. It was so mysterious, surely he was going to give me more details when he called back. He couldn’t expect me to go on a trip and have no idea where I was going. Either way it would be an adventure so I was game! Suddenly my stomach sank, Andrew. Agreeing to have dinner with an old friend was one thing but agreeing to go to a mysterious location with a guy for a whole weekend was something entirely different. I decided to wait a bit; I didn’t need to tell him anything right away, who knew if this trip would even happen. Andrew called me later that day and left me a message saying that we needed to talk. When I heard his message, I knew what he wanted to talk about and from the tone of his voice I knew what his heart was saying. We were done.

I called Andrew back, and I was right. He finally admitted what I had known for weeks; he didn’t want me to come visit. Well, according to him he did want me to come but he just wasn’t really ready for it. Whatever. He needed some time alone and some space. Space? That was the word he was going to use, really? I lived over 5000 miles away, how much fucking space did he need? I was hurt, shocked, and pissed off. Our awkward conversation was basically over and just growing more awkward by the second and I just needed to get off the phone! So I did, he followed up with a text saying that he felt bad about the way our call ended and later that day I followed up with an email. Email was how we had met, and it was still one of our best ways of communication.

Email to Andrew, September 2012

“I agree our call today did not go great and not at all the way I thought it would. I was honest when I said I am disappointed but more than that I think it was just hard to hear that you don’t want me to come visit- it defiantly hurts. I am sad. I thought we were more on the same page and both wanted to explore what we have further- this obviously can not happen if we have a relationship built on text and a weekly skype call. I know you are busy and stressed and need time to yourself, but I think you and I operate in very different ways. I am not really in any position to take time off working and charge another plane ticket but I wanted nothing more than just that if it meant I got to spend time with you and I already had worked it all out to make it happen. I guess I am just a hopeless romantic and after what I have been through I would do anything for love, which even as I type it sounds like a silly 16 year old. You are correct that I have a lot going on in my personal life and it doesn’t look like it is going to be over any time soon but that is life, there will always be something going on that is not ideal. I refuse to let my past take up one more second of my future and it in no way has anything to do with how I feel about you or how I will lead my life. I am not sure if you are even aware of it but I felt you begin to pull away when I was in Portugal and had no idea what to do about it. I have said from the beginning that I would never make you a promise I couldn’t keep but what I also can not do is set myself up for disappointment and hurt, I truly do not think my heart could take it right now and I feel you not wanting me to come visit is a pretty clear message weather you realize it or not. One thing I have learned in life and through all the relationships I have had is that you should never ignore the signs, no matter how much it hurts. You said in your text tonight that you feel you have taken something away from me, the only thing you have taken away was my excitement about the trip and spending more time with you exploring our intense connection but you were just being honest. I will be fine, I always am. It is really pathetic to say but I have learned to expect disappointment in these situations, something I am trying to change. kss”

The day of my mysterious dinner date with Sam was growing closer, and I still had no idea where I was going. Sam loved surprises, and he was keeping his mouth shut on this one. My instructions from him were this; A driver will pick you up on Wednesday at noon and take you to LAX, pack only a few things for warm weather, whatever you don’t have we can buy!

Was he for real? I was immediately panicked, as a stylist, packing for an unknown destination made me sweat! So of course I packed something for every situation I could think of and trieded my best to make it all fit! That morning I got an email back from Andrew. We had exchanged several, but this was when the truth finally came out.

“…There’s something we haven’t discussed since you were here, and that I need to talk about. Its been wearing on me to the point that I just don’t think its fair of me to keep it in any longer. When you were here I told you how I was sometimes looking for you and right when I was about to call out your name, that the name of my ex would come to mind instead. Over the last few weeks, its become clear to me that I am still very hurt by her and I having split, and ultimately, that I have unresolved feelings for her. Its not fair.”

This hit home for me, I couldn’t believe he almost called me another woman’s name! I literally had no time to think about it my car was picking me up in a half an hour, and I still hadn’t shut my suitcase. The good news is I now felt zero guilt about going on the trip with Sam! I finally closed my suitcase and was ready to go when my phone rang. I assumed it was Sam making sure I will still coming, I was half right. “Don’t forget to grab your passport,” he said. “Seriously? Are you kidding me?” I asked. “Maybe I am but wouldn’t you hate to need it and not have it?” He answered back. I could hear him smiling through the phone as we hung up- he loved the suspense. I grabbed my passport and walked outside, and the driver was standing outside the town car, he opened the door and took my bag. As we pulled away, I asked the driver “do you know where we are going?” “LAX, that is all I know,” he said.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

Packing can be a little stressful, especially when you do not know your destination! I have developed a few key items that I take just about everywhere. Check them out, they will work for you too!

What are your must have items for travel???

 

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

I Didn’t Want To Leave.

The next couple of days were calm and relaxing on around the property.  Andrew worked each day while sat on the upstairs porch, Skyp’d with my divorce lawyer and answered work emails, I did have three state pageants coming up after all!  I also went running almost every day, it was a simple and lovely life.  His daughter and family would be arriving in just a few days so he decided that the two of us should go to dinner before everyone arrived, I was thrilled!  In preparation for our date night I went on my daily run and jumped into the shower.  As I was deciding what to wear I got a text from Andrew who was one building away in his office, “Change of plans for tonight, I forgot it was my monthly boys dinner.  I hope you are not upset, come to the office so we can talk.”  Upset?  No, why on earth would I be upset.  I flew 5000 miles to spend time with him and he was going out for a boys night???   I wasn’t mad; I was livid, I was hurt and more than anything I felt like an idiot.   Here I was standing out on a limb so far with my feelings, hanging his fucking laundry on a clothes line, trying to learn phrases in Portuguese, preparing his house for the arrival of his family and he is going out for a boys night?!?!  After being really really pissed for about 10 minutes I collected myself and walked into his office,  “sorry, I totally forgot about tonight, I hope it is ok” he said before I even opened my mouth.  Of course I said “sure, it is fine.”  For anyone who has ever been in a relationship you now what fine really means but, what was I supposed to do? Throw a fit?  Yell? Scream?  If he rather go out with his friends then he should go.  It was the first no win situation he had put me in and let’s just say I didn’t like it!

At this point in my recovery (that is what I have come to call the year after I left my marriage) I was not strong enough to say what was really on my mind.  So instead of saying what I wanted to say I told him I was disappointed but if he wanted to go out with the boys then that is what he should do.  I stayed in that night and stewed, ate pâté, drank wine and cried myself to sleep.  Totally healthy I know.

The next morning Andrew was his sweet usual self, but I was not in the mood.  Since I had slept in he brought me tea while I was still in bed and tried to make small talk.  I had heard him come in the night before but, of course, pretended to be sleeping, then I was up most of the night going over in my head what I wished I had said to him.  I decided to skip breakfast and go for a run, I needed to burn off some of my anger before I started my day.

When I returned about an hour later Andrew said he had a surprise for me.  Something about his smiled always seemed to soften me up.  He needed to run into town and wanted me to go, I was dying to get off the farm so I agreed.  I took a quick shower and threw on a pair of jeans.  When I came out of the house and Andrew is wearing his motorcycle gear, “we are taking the bike!” He said with a great big smile.   I have never been a fan of street bikes, but I was still a fan of his, I thought what the hell and grabbed the helmet.  As I went to put the helmet on Andrew grabbed me around the waist and kissed me deeply.  As I took a step back, slightly dazed, he looked at me and said, “thank you for not making a big deal about last night, I know you were upset.  I had a great time, but I missed you terribly.”  I said nothing and put my helmet on, crawled on the back of the bike and held on tight.

The ride was thrilling, he drove like he did most things; very intensely!  As I held onto Andrew as tight as I could I felt myself melt into him.   We went into town to run a few errands and then drove to a property that was adjacent the farm.  It was a property that Andrew wanted to purchase and restore, he had talked about it ever since we met. The land included; a forest, vineyard, two stone buildings, barn, main house and lots of history.  I could see the house and most of the property from the porch that I sat on each morning, but hadn’t seen it closeup.  For just a moment I let myself think about what life would be like there, how extraordinary it would be to purchase a piece of history like that and restore it.  I would need to make sure it had a washer AND dryer for sure!

The next day Andrew informed me I could not go running.  At first I puffed up thinking “you are not going to tell me what to do!”  He went on to explain that it was opening hunting day and since the run I took was through the countryside I shouldn’t go running for fear I would get shot!  Oh, ok I thought.  That afternoon Andrew asked me out on another date and this time he didn’t cancel.  We had a romantic dinner and a wonderful night!  His family and daughter were arriving the next day and I was thinking about how nervous I was, but soon I was blissfully asleep snuggled in next to Andrew.  I noticed the next morning that Andrew was nervous as well, running around the house making sure everything was perfect.  I was happy to see that once everyone arrived he started to relax.  We all spent the first evening in the back courtyard outside the kitchen drinking wine, eating grilled calamari and listening to his father tell story after story about the farm, Andrew and growing up in Portugal.  His father was very orderly and strict yet he was kind, warm and very funny.  I always knew that Andrew looked up to him and now I could see why.

The next few days were wonderful; we laughed, spent time with his family, went running together, laid at the pool and tried to absorb every last second of being together that we could.   We were finally through the awkward period and on the same page.  The connection we had when we first met in LA was back and stronger than ever.   I couldn’t believe how fast two and half weeks had flown by and suddenly I wasn’t ready to leave.  I didn’t know when we would see each other again and that made me nervous.

The morning I left Andrew drove me to the airport in Lisbon and we talked non-stop the whole way, I think we were both avoiding the goodbye conversation.  Part of me was excited to get back to the states but on the other hand I was super sad to leave.  I was flying to Oklahoma to see my family, so I wasn’t going home just yet, but it was a whole lot closer.  Though the trip hadn’t been perfect I knew I was going to miss him.  When we pulled up to the departure area at the airport Andrew placed my bags on the curb and walked over to me.  He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me in close, looked me right in the eyes, put his hand on my cheek and said I love you in Portuguese “amo-te” and then he kissed me.  Now I really didn’t want to leave.  As the skycap stood by waiting, I grabbed my handbag, stole one more kiss and turned to walk away.  As I got to the doors of the airport I turned back to see him still standing outside his car waiting for me to look.  I gave one last small wave and headed inside.  I knew that if I looked back again I would either start crying or run back to him so I just kept walking.

As I sat on the plane and prepared for the long flight home I thought about the trip.  It all seemed very surreal.  I had never been to a country like Portugal or with a man like Andrew.  When I thought about it all I was a little overwhelmed and was happy to finally take a deep breath and relax a bit.

I had been traveling for almost six weeks straight; LA, Miami, Bahamas, Cancun, Houston, Denver, Aspen, LA, NY, Lisbon, New Jersey, Denver, Tulsa, Wichita, Dallas and finally home to LA.  Needless to say I had a great tan, but I was exhausted and my clothing desperately wanted out of the suitcase it has been jammed into time and time again!   After my brief trip to the lake with my family, I was finally headed home and back to real life.

Sadly it turned out to be just as dreadful as I feared it would be.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

After years of traveling I have perfected my inflight look. Here are a few easy and stylish pieces to wear on flights and a few essentials for any traveler!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Breakthrough Or On The Verge Of A Breakdown?

Each day was better than the last, or at least it seemed that way to me. Settling into my new place helped me feel more ‘normal’ and I soon found myself in need of a routine. I had decided now that I had a home I was going to throw myself into work. The only hic up there was I needed to figure out what that work was going to be. I hadn’t had the functionality the last couple months to reconnect with all of my Los Angeles contacts; I knew that was just going to lead to questions that I didn’t want to answer. “How are you? What are you doing back in LA? How was your wedding?”   You can see where this is going and it was a rabbit hole I avoided as much as possible. A week or two after moving into my new place I was asked to go to Hawaii with friends and had zero reason to turn it down, it wasn’t like I was busy. I loved the ocean and for someone living in California I had spent a surprisingly small amount of time in Hawaii. My husband had lived there at one point and had given me advice on places to visit and activates to do while on the trip (yes, we texted semi-often and I had told him about the trip). Yes, this was nice of him to give me these pointers but it also made me want to smack him. Two years prior he had given me trip to Hawaii for my birthday, a trip we never took. Though he managed to take a trip to Hawaii in the past two years, it just wasn’t with me. I could only assume his tourist advice was solid because the photos of he and Katy swimming with dolphins, paddle boarding, having romantic dinners, that she had posted on social media, all looked very fun! Basically I could only assume he took her on my birthday trip, what an asshole!

My friends and I arrived and settled into the house, which had this great infinity pool facing the ocean. After unpacking I sat at the edge of the pool to watch the beautiful Hawaiian sunset. Maybe it was the jet lag or the mai-tai’s but I suddenly started to cry… again. This time it was an uncontrollable cry, heaving shoulders, snot running down my face type of cry.   I know what you are thinking and yes, it was very attractive! That day I sat on the edge of the world and just let it all out let and when I was done I felt 100 pounds lighter. I slept like a baby that night and woke up the next morning knowing that everything was going to be ok.   No doubt I have cried since then, heck I think I cried last week while I was writing, but not like that. That was the last time I let myself really cry over him.

While I was away enjoying paradise I got an email from my best friend, he had suddenly become seriously ill. He was like me and rarely asked for help so the fact he knew I was traveling and was asking for help assured me it was serious. I did not only fear for his life but I realized the company we had built together had began to suffer as well. He needed to focus on his health and being the type of friend I am, and some may say pushy broad, I had no problem telling him just that. He and I were as close as two friends could be. We met judging a pageant over ten years prior,  years before I even thought of moving to Los Angeles. He was one of the reason I pushed my first husband to move to California. We had worked together for years (I had ran his talent agency when I first moved to LA), he stood up for me at my wedding, we had traveled the world together- it was safe to say we had a long history of love and friendship.   When he needed me, I didn’t hesitate for a second and I know he would have done the same.

Our company, no his company, wasn’t your typical business, but the business of beauty. He was the owner of the Miss California USA, Miss New York USA and Miss New Hampshire USA franchise and at this point the girls were a month away from competing at the national competition, Miss USA. Needless to say there was a lot to be done and not a lot of time. We had started the business together in 2005, then it was just the state of California, and I had departed the company in a full-time capacity in 2007 to focus on fashion. Though I hadn’t worked for the company full-time in years I knew exactly what needed to be done. I had been the first national title holder to be given a directorship and having been Miss Teen USA myself I understood exactly what the girls were going through. Before even leaving the islands I was on the phone with the employees, legal team, accounting team, public relations team, etc. Informing everyone that I was headed back to LA and would be taking over, all matters needed to be directed to me moving forward, I wanted him to be able to fully focus on his health and know that I had everything under control.   I was once again the Co-Executive director of Miss California USA, Miss California Teen USA, along with the respective titles in New York and New Hampshire. The Devil Wears Prada was a favorite movie among my friends and I; they soon began calling me Miranda (in reference to Meryl Streep’s’ wicked character). I wasn’t quite that bitchy but I didn’t mind the reference, there was a lot to be done in a short amount of time and I was in no mood for bullshit from anyone. I thought keeping myself busy was a genius idea. I soon figured out that those around me were happy that I was working but watched me a bit like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for a the full breakdown. I was soon balancing, therapy, my new home, a new staff and three beauty queens.   I of course thought this was no big deal!

When he and I applied for the franchise license so many years ago we wanted to change the face of pageantry, make it new and fresh!  In a lot of ways we did, he did.  Over a hundred other people had applied for this position and we were thrilled, yet shocked, they picked us. I was not your typical pageant girl but I saw the tremendous opportunities that came from competing in the Miss Universe system- at any level. Being Miss Teen USA honestly changed my life and I wanted to pass that along to other young women. I wanted to make a difference for these girls, and let’s be real, I wanted to make some money. If you are setting out in the world to make money take this advice; do not become a pageant director. The beauty pageant business is a lot fun, a lot of hard work and can be very inspiring but all of those awful stories that are forever tattooed on the world of pageants are true on some level.  Something inspired them and I the moment I started working in office again I was quickly reminded of that!

Though it wasn’t my dream job, per say, I loved it on some level and working made me feel alive. I was in a much better head space when I was working each day. It gave me confidence, purpose, and most of all a reason to get out of bed each morning. I was not used to feeling like I had no purpose in life and no motivation. That had been one of the hardest things about the last couple of months. I had moved out of the house I shared with my husband months ago, so in my mind, as irrational as it was, I felt I should be moving forward at a much quicker pace. The whole grey cloud I was living in made no sense to me and it was extremely frustrating.   It all just made me angry. I was finally starting to get mad and I was being told it was a good thing- I was not so sure.

Not only was the team and I preparing our titleholders for Miss USA, my husband and I were in therapy, a lot of it. I realize that may sound crazy and I am sure you are asking why I even bothered; I know my family and friends were asking me that. So here is the reason, it was simple- I wanted answers. I wanted to know why this had happened and I needed to try to wrap my brain around what he had done. I was desperately trying to understand it. We agreed to go to a therapist in San Francisco.  I would fly up and have a session with her, then we would have a session together, then I would have phone sessions, he would have sessions alone with her and then I would have sessions with my therapist in LA. Needless to say it was way too much.  Though he was pushing for “dates” with me I still had not been alone with him since the night in San Francisco a few weeks after I walked out and I still didn’t want to be. What I wanted was for him to walk into therapy and say, “this is why I did this to you” and for whatever that explanation was, I wanted it to make total sense and for him to give me the answers I needed. As you can guess that obviously didn’t happen. It was a lot of “I am sorry” and “I never meant to hurt you” and “I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you” and “I miss you” and so on and so on and blah blah blah!   Again, he started to sound like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon.

The one good thing that started to come out of all of this therapy was that I was starting to crack. The numbness was fading and I was starting to feel again. Though what I started feeling was unexpected.  I soon feared I would need even more therapy to learn to deal with all of this.  No one has ever accused me of being touchy feely or call me emotional so this new Keylee that was someone I had never met and I sure hell had no idea what to do with her.   I was weeks away from three girls, I was responsible for, competing at a national competition, I was going to therapy more hours per month than I had collectively gone my entire life, I was partying my ass of to distract myself from all of it and then decided to start making major life decisions.  Was this a recipe for success?????  I will give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

As I started to rejoin the working world I decided I need a few new fun items for my career wardrobe!  Here are a few items to shake up your work wardrobe this summer:

 

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.