The Last Time I Was Happy.

Sam and I were having an amazing time together, but as the fun times increased so did my insecurities. My insecurities and the questions, my head was about to explode with questions. Over the next couple of days, Sam and I had dinner with friends, a romantic night out at my favorite restaurant in town, and he even convinced me to ski again the next day. Considering I usually only skied tone two days all year, this was a huge accomplishment.

After our second day of skiing, we were sitting at the bottom of the mountain having a lovely bottle of rose and Sam got up to make a phone call. As he walked away, I was letting the sunshine beam on my face but as I watched him pace with the phone to his ear, my mind started wondering and the questions started flooding in. Does he like me? Does he want a girlfriend? Do I want a boyfriend? Do I want to be with one person? In the end, the two biggest questions were this, “Do I want to date Sam? Will I ever be a priority to him?” In my heart, I knew the answers. I loved the “idea” of him and no, I would not be his priority- ever.

When it came to Sam, I had to stop and realize that I was having moments of happiness, and that was great progress for me! No matter what my feelings were, up or down I felt lucky just to be having feelings! So I told myself to stop with the questions and just go with it.

After Sam had flown back to LA, the questions in my head and insecurities got worse, and I spiraled into a bad place. Ted, my pseudo brother, and I were sitting at the bar one night and as we started talking the conversation turned to my ex. They had been friends and, to be honest; I was asking a few too many questions. The type of questions, I didn’t really want to know the answers to but after two martinis, I asked anyways. I asked if my x was dating and Ted was honest, as he always was and said yes. A few moments later I couldn’t hold it back, I could feel my eyes getting hot. Ted got up use the restroom, and I dashed out of the bar, I didn’t’ want anyone to see me cry. So I, of course, did the rational drunk girl thing and decided to walk home. I walked home in the dark in the winter in the snow which I now admit was not very smart. It was only 10 or so blocks away, but I fell twice, in my full-length fur coat, which only made me want to cry more. It was not my finest moment.

I laid in bed thinking about how my x was out in the world dating and living his life and though my life appeared to be in a good place, I was riddled with insecurities. Part of me was thrilled he had moved on, and his focus was no longer on me, yet somehow I didn’t think he deserved to be dating. In what dimension was it fair that he was dating and happy, and I was still trying to find my way? As I laid in bed and looked at the ceiling, I thought about him being happy, this made me angry. All I could think about was that I wanted to be happy so bad, and somehow I couldn’t figure out how to get there. He on the other hand had moved on, most likely lying to another woman, but I assumed it made him happy. I asked myself, when was the last time I was honestly happy? Sure I had had moments of happiness over the past year but had I been truly happy over an extended period? Not really.

The answer didn’t come as easy as I would have liked and I didn’t know if it was truly the last time I was happy but my trip to New York in February of 2011 popped into my head. There is something magical about New York City in the snow, especially when you live in Los Angeles. I had flown in on Monday for a few work meetings and to spend time with friends. My x would be arriving later in the week for events surrounding the opening of his East Coast office. All of my meetings in the days leading up to his arrival had gone flawlessly; I was on a huge high and very optimistic about my career. His work events were of huge importance, so I made sure all of my work and other commitments were finished prior to his arrival, I wanted to be totally available for him.

Friday night was the opening party at the The Campbell Apartment. Not only was I excited for the event but I was, of course, excited about my look. I planned to wear my chocolate leather dress; it was a top five favorite of mine.

The whole evening was perfect. We laughed and flirted in between him working the room and introducing me to more people than I could ever remember. He was king of the night, and I was thrilled to be on his arm. Afterward, we went to dinner with everyone from the home office and long after the clock struck midnight we decided to head back to the hotel. My feet were exhausted and when he was ready to call it a night I realized that I couldn’t wait to get back to our room snuggle with my man. It had been a really happy trip on all fronts.

That night before we turned in he mentioned that if I wanted to ditch my commercial flight I could join the others and fly home on one of the company planes. I jumped at the opportunity to leave earlier and fly back private. As I got ready for bed I smiled to myself thinking about how lucky I was to have such a wonderful guy, he was so thoughtful! I went to sleep that night just beaming.

I would later learn that he put me on that morning flight because Katy was flying to New York that afternoon. I know this because she posted photos of them on a carriage ride in Central Park. When I found the photos on her Facebook page, a year later, it was stamped with the date, the same date I left New York. When I confronted him with this photo he said she showed up unexpectedly, but he had asked her to leave. This made me laugh, did he ask her to leave in a horse carriage? By the giant smile on both of their faces in the photo, it sure as hell didn’t look like she was leaving.

Then and there, as I laid in bed a year later, I decided to make every effort to be happy. When I returned to LA, from Aspen, I still held a small bit of hope that Sam and I would date. He didn’t call and after day two of him knowing I was home and not calling I assumed he wasn’t interested, so I deleted his number from my phone. I didn’t want to be tempted to text him or call him. Three days later he called, and since he wasn’t listed in my phone I didn’t recognize the number and answered the phone. Had I known it was him, I would have screened and let it go to voicemail.

He seemed a bit offended when I asked who it was; that made me feel a little bit better. He made mostly small talk except to tell me he was in the airport and thinking of me. I was so over it at this point. It was just additional proof to me that everything was all about him. I was so sick of this type of selfish man, but the real question as, why did I keep dating them?

Single & Stylish

xx Keylee

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Did He Just Invite Himself?

I held off writing Sam back until the morning after we landed in LA.

“I am good, just got back from Paris. How are you?”

After I had slept in to combat my jetlag, I got up to unpack and run some errands. My apartment desperately needed fresh flowers and food!

The next day a package arrived at the office, I had no idea what I had ordered but I was happy to open it! As I opened the box I could tell, it wasn’t something I ordered, but something sent to me- a gift. It was from Peter, an early Valentines Day gift. The card was sweet, and when I open the box my mouth dropped to the floor. He had seen on my blog a handbag I had posted, the “it” bag of the moment, the Rag & Bone pilot bag. This amazing, beautiful bag was mine? Later that day a dozen heart and love themed decorated cupcakes arrived at the office as well.

I immediately called Peter, “Wow, thank you, but it is too much!” I said, of course, thinking how perfect it was! He was kind, sweet and very excited I liked the bag.

An hour later I get a text from Sam, “Are you still going to Aspen for Presidents Day weekend? I think I will come too!” Wait, what? I thought. Why would he come to Aspen on that weekend? How did he even remember I was going?

“Who are you coming with?” I asked. “No one, I figure we could hang out… I miss you.” Awe, I wanted to believe that he missed me, what a romantic gesture. We would have so much fun in the mountains playing in the snow! He was full of bullshit, but at that moment I ate it right up!

The next day Jaxton called to ask me out for Valentines Day. WTF was going on, was mercury in retrograde? It was like the ghost of boyfriends past were all coming back to haunt me! Sadly I would be in Aspen on Valentines Day, and now it looked like I would most likely be spending it with Sam and my friends. Jaxton rarely called me, and he never had asked me out for Valentines Day, I was sad I wouldn’t be home to see him.

My thoughts quickly turned to the fact that I hadn’t seen Sam in a few months and after eating my way through Paris I had one week to get my body back…. Totally doable- right? That night after work, I went to the gym before meeting a girlfriend out for sushi. After my workout I was feeling awesome; I had really sweated it out. I grabbed a towel and jumped in the shower.

Now a women’s locker room is always an interesting place and a women’s locker room in an LA posh gym is even more interesting! Some women have no shame and choose to walk around totally naked. Some pose in the mirror with no tops on and pretend to be fixing their hair, some try and cover their bodies with as many towels as possible. Then course there is Janice Dickenson shaving her lady bits by the sinks. Not kidding at all, it is an image I will never get out of my head.

I am somewhere in between. I have always loved my body, ok not always, but big or small it was mine and once I was in my thirties I decided I should be nice to her. I get out of the shower and squeeze my hair out. I would usually put on my underwear and walk to get some body lotion, but in my jetlag haze I didn’t bring a fresh pair. No biggie I thought, I will just go commando to dinner. Just as I rounded the corner of the lockers to get some body lotion, I see her. My one “would, coulda, shoulda” guys’ new fitness model child bride. I was stark naked, with extra of me around the middle, and she was a twenty-something fitness model who was dressed in a very chic outfit applying lip-gloss and adjusting her perfectly messy bun in the mirror. They lived in Chicago, why was she even in my locker room??? She had never been a big fan of mine, though I had only met her once or twice, and after a sly smile she turned on her heels and walked out, looking over her shoulder at me as she rounded the corner. I wanted to cry, but instead I just started hysterically laughing. I am sure everyone else in the locker room was convinced I was sharing pills with Janice Dickenson and had lost it, but at that moment if I didn’t laugh I would have cried and I had made vow to myself to not cry at the gym anymore.

She was married to my college love, Mark. He was my “one that got away,” even though I broke it off with him. I try not to have regrets in my life but if I had one, breaking up with him was it.

As I packed for Aspen, I felt myself getting excited and nervous that I would see Sam. I had not introduced a guy to my friends since I had left my marriage. In Aspen, I wouldn’t’ be able to avoid it. I packed the usual amounts of jeans, boots, cashmere, fur and a few things just in case I decided to ski. I also slipped in a few sexier pieces just in case I needed them.

I landed on a Wednesday, and Sam wouldn’t arrive until Friday afternoon, so it was the perfect time for me to settle in and see friends. After a boozy rosé lunch one afternoon the girls decided to go shopping. The new Rag & Bone store had opened and I just happened to stumble wonder in. After a few moments of wondering around I laid my eyes on the most perfect pair of leather pants I had ever seen. As I slipped them on I knew, I was in heaven. They fit like a glove, and my ass looked amazing! I had to have them. One issue; the price. I wasn’t really in a position to pay that much for a pair of pants; it was a half of my monthly rent! After a few moments, I had rationalized myself into the pants.

The next day Sam arrived into town and text me the moment he landed.

“I am here, what’s the plan?” He text.

“I will be at après later, meet me there?” I text. I didn’t want to seem too anxious.

I arrived at après the appropriate amount of late and walked in with a group of friends. I was a bit nervous to see him, and it bugged me. My friends and I went to the bar, I spotted him as moved across the room but didn’t didn’t let him know. He moved toward me at the bar and smiled. Once I saw him, I couldn’t help but show my excitement.

After several rounds of drinks, we decided to clean up and go for sushi. Couple friends of mine were game, and I was excited for Sam to know them. I rushed home, showered and threw on my sexy Wolford tights with my favorite long sleeve ALC dress and headed to dinner. I was determined not to be an easy get that night, but it didn’t hurt to make him want it.

Dinner was amazing, Sam ordered a fabulously expensive sake. We ate sushi till we were going to burst, danced at a club, at the end of the night I said goodbye and went home.

Sam wanted to ski the next day and even though I was totally inept I said yes because I had an invite for lunch at the top of the mountain and could bring a guest. After lunch, I told Sam I would meet him at the bottom. He was a much better skier than I, and it made me even more nervous to have someone watch me while I took my time. By the end of the day, we were skiing together more, and it was perfect. After the we skied down during the last run of the day we went straight to après and had a drink! We had dinner plans that night as well so again; I went back to the house I was staying at; showered and changed. Only this time I decided to give my new leather pants a run. We were invited to a big group dinner, and though I was nervous about taking Sam, it was fun! He was interesting, funny, the right amount of attentive and made everyone at the table adore him. I am sure I was beaming. Soon after my 100th glass of wine, not a real number.. I am just estimating. We decided again went dancing and then decided to have one more drink….at his hotel. Needless to say I got to experience three-move man again and the next morning my walk of shame home in a full-length mink coat was not my proudest moment. I left his hotel early in the hopes to not run into anyone I knew. When I arrived at the home, my plan was to sneak in and get a few more hours of sleep. As I sat in the mudroom taking off my shoes and coat, my friend Ted walked up the stairs. Ted was a very close friend, almost like a brother.

“Where are you going this early?” He asked.

Before I could even make up a good excuse, a huge smile came over his face as he looked at me from head to toe (realizing I was wearing the same thing as last night).

“What?!?” I said defensively. Which only made me blush and look super guilty.

“Are you just coming in?” He said with a huge grin.

I removed my shoes, looked at him with a slight smile and said, “wouldn’t you like to know?” I walked down the stairs to my room and went back to sleep.

Single & Stylish

xx Keylee

The only thing I do not like living in Los Angeles is our lack of seasons! I have a lot of sweaters, boots, and coats that never get the wear they deserve. This time of year is my weakness, all the fabulous winter favorites go on sale!!! Here are a few things that are perfect for a mountain getaway or just enjoying brisk weather!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.